I should be happy but I'm not.

Landed a job with Google this month. 4 yrs of busting ass, working at a string of shitty tech firms, endless networking, dealing with a garden variety of POS bosses. It all led me here.

The sad part is I don't I feel happy. Not in the slightest. I acknowledge this a huge milestone in my life/career but what crushes me is I have no one to share this victory with.

My parents could care less. I'm Indian and my parents are hardcore Evangelical Christians. On any given day you'll find my dad prostrate in his study. He works from home and his only hobby outside of work is engaging in prayer.

The irony is since I was a boy he (and my mom) have hounded me for building a career. Meanwhile, he's done the absolute bare minimum to provide for our family. I'm quite sure that if we were to switch places today he'd never survive in this cutthroat job market.

My mom is the most toxic woman you'll ever meet. She knows I'm incredibly lonely and crave intimacy but she (and my dad) can't even muster a shred of empathy. Their answer to everything is "study more." School is the magic bullet to every problem in life apparently.

I now work in downtown SF and coordinate with teams in LA and NY. Every time I'm in any big city my heart just breaks. Seeing people my age full of youth and vigour (I'm 29 btw) hurts so much. I'm not even resentful. I just wish I could be happy too.

I worked a half-day this week and decided to go to Berkeley. I went to school there and was visiting my old stomping grounds. I decided to grab lunch at my favourite spot and met this really cute girl. She was in town apt hunting and had the same hunch as me to make a quick pit-stop.

The restaurant was a "hole-in-the-wall" sorta place so tables we're pretty limited. On account of the limited space she asked if she could sit with me. Naturally, I said yes.

We ended up opening-up, talking about our respective lives. She went to the same college and was about to start grad school. We talked for a bit actually.

The whole time I couldn't stop looking at her. She was beautiful but beyond that I felt a connection of some sort. I'm a math major so I'm not well-versed in human psych/behavioral sciences but it felt like emotional resonance.

I'm pretty shy so this is a huge deal for me - I asked her for her number. And she said yes. After that, we went our separate ways. We texted a few times this week and it's been ok but I'm slowly getting the vibe that she's not feeling me.

If I'm being honest I kinda wish we never met now because it's compounded the sadness I was already feeling. I don't blame her, I just wonder if this will be my life forever. Never having anyone who can understand what I'm going through.

I'd like to move out but I truly have no one aside from my parents and that scares me. I don't know what living alone would do to my mental health which is already shaky at best.

Dating is a no-brainer but it's tough out here these days and I'm not exactly a 10/10. I hate apps but making friends organically seems to be non-existent in this era. So what do I do? Where are the people I need and how do I access them?

I initially wrote this as a sort of journal entry to process my feelings. But if anyone else is also in the same boat and/or has advice it's more then welcome.