can’t stop questioning

background: 23f one LTR with a man lasting 5 years, ended 2 years ago. history of BPD and OCD

i’ve been questioning if i’m lesbian for almost 2 years straight just obsessively and i’m not sure but tonight i’m at a breaking point and just want to be happy. i thought i was bi. i was with a man who i loved deeply for 5 years but now im just at a point where maybe ive been faking it my whole life. i’ve never felt repulsed during sex with men. ive liked being intimate with them outside and inside sex. i’ve been turned on kissing them, and other things. but i worry this means absolutely nothing. i’ve never gotten turned on by a man just being naked in front of me ever. but i assume i have a responsive desire because with an ex of mine i would get turned on kissing him all the time. apparently sexual attraction is if you see someone you get turned on by thinking about having sex with them but that just hasn’t been the case. i’ve been turned on sexting men but i’ve read other stories where later in life lesbians have had the same experience so i just don’t think it means anything. but maybe it was just my body reacting to stimulation. i had a boyfriend for a year despite these things i would cry every time after sex with no explanation. but i genuinely never dissociated during sex with anyone. i’ve had fantasies of men before but im so far into questioning now where i don’t know what anything means anymore. i’ve always always had issues orgasming during sex and it’s because the way i can alone is through porn and sex doesn’t activate the same pathway or some shit. it’s so frustrating and i can’t take it anymore. it seems like the ending of that relationship 2 years ago was the trigger to me just not knowing who i am bc then i just started questioning everything including my sexuality. i was sure i was in love with him and it felt like drug withdrawals not being with him anymore during the early parts of the break up and tbh he’s still a daily thought even after 2 years. ive never loved someone like that before and the anxiety is coming from it’s been 2 years and i just haven’t been in love again and it’s scaring me. if i see a man i think is attractive i get all nervous and i can’t function properly but in real life this happens with 0 women. but with men i find attractive in the wild, what if it’s just aesthetic attraction that’s making me feel this way. but i mainly masturbate to lesbian porn and always have. i don’t know anymore. some days i validate my past experiences with men and conclude im bi then the next day i just question it all over again and again and again and again and just think im lying to myself especially because i haven’t found anyone since my ex. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i just want to feel happy and confident without feeling like im lying to myself anymore.