letting myself feel proud of myself today

Heads up Im not gonna spend time editing this as im just acting on my burst of energy to get this down so bear with me if i trail off into run-on sentences. I have spent this entire year so incredibly depressed because of my adhd, which i definitely have noticed has gotten worse since graduating from college 2 years ago. Doesnt help that i havent landed a job in the major i graduated in because applying for a career job in biotech gives me such a horrible feeling. The idea that so much of my life is going to go into something that i honestly have little to no true passion in. Its naive sounding maybe, but i just detest the idea of a 9-5. applying for said 9-5’s i detest even moreso. But even with this said my brain managed to turn the things im passionate about (writing, music, art, even replying to my friends and upkeeping my relationships) such a chore, like checkboxes in my head that are left unchecked. The paralysis had hit me so hard this year, and coping with weed was the only way to slow the time down and have my tasks and my own feelings with my tasks feel managable.

The past couple days have been treating me so nicely, and i want to remmeber this by writing it down here because i think its because ive been treating myself a lot nicer. I recently got accepted into a intro to live music careers program that has shown me everything ive ever felt passionate about and more, and its felt like the first time ive seen some kind of immediate hope for my future. Not just telling myself that ill feel this hope eventually, but actual hope. Excitement. Ive been going on walks these past couple days first thing in the morning to clear my head. Ive been reevaluating my relationship with productivity and how much ive realized my interenalized view of it has subconsciously affected my self worth. I dont need to be productive all the time. I can allow myself to rest. I can watch a movie with my family downstairs without feeling like i have to job hunt at the same time, that can come afterwards. This excitement i feel isnt because the career program accepted me, but it was proof that theres something out there that i find a calling towards. Im dealing with my adhd along the way, and i might have the paralysis from time to time, but i want to view this paralysis with curiosity rather than shame. Shame was what kept me smoking weed mindlessly because i was thinking about all my shortcomings and trying to deal with these shortcomings. Im ok! Im ok! TLDR i am doing better! I pray to the universe that you all are/will too!