We broke up

I feel like I lost something that was never real. I (19f) was with my (20mtf) girlfriend for 3 and a half years and I still can’t explain how I’m feeling. I had a time when I questioned my sexuality but when she came out to me about 6 months ago I just felt deeply troubled and uncomfortable. I tried to accept it but I just started to resent every feminine thing about her. I’m not into women but I want to be so much our life would be so perfect. I’m scared it’s my first break up ever I don’t know what to do I don’t want her to be alone, it’s so hard to be a trans person when everyone is so full of hate. I still love her but it’s so hard to explain what i feel towards her, it’s a really strong emotional bond.

She saw how I reacted and didn’t want me to use correct pronouns even tho her best friend did use she/her. She saw how I pushed back when we kissed too much because I didn’t think it was fair to have sex with her when I don’t feel how used to anymore. She saw how I got suddenly sad when she asked advice on choosing a name, when she talked about wanting hormones or body changes. And I feel sick because I thought that I love her for a person she is but it turns out I never knew who she was and I ignored the sings until it was unavoidable.

I didn’t even want to think about it, it caused me so much pain. But I still thought that maybe if I try hard enough we can do it. That maybe we can have a relationship that’s based on a true emotional connection and platonic love, but it would never be enough for her or for me. It would not be fair to feel how I feel when she feels how she feels.

She now needs time to process the break up and it feels so weird to not be able to talk to her. I hate this. We talked about being friends after some time passes and we heal separately. I hate all of this. I can’t believe this shit.

So I’m not sure what more is there to say and why I even wrote this. I guess I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I’m just so tired, other things in my life are not going well either.