Husband’s mom died today and my own trauma is resurfacing

My husband’s mom passed away this morning after being in and out of the hospital since July. I’ve been trying to be there for him through all of it, but behind closed doors I’ve been having bad anxiety and breakdowns. Hindi ko na sinasabi sa kanya because he needs an anchor.

My own mom died of pancreatic cancer 5 years ago. (20 lang ako nun. Younger siblings were only 8 and 11). She went to the hospital with my dad and never made it out alive. I thought I was over the worst of it by now, but watching my MIL get sick made me relive everything with my mom all over again. Every time we talked about her health, I’d literally get chills. May times pa na sumasakit ulo ko kaka-overthink.

When his family called with the news today, I was trying to console my husband, but believe me when I tell you my emotions were heightened. I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t cry. I felt so bad for him and terrified for who knows why. I didn't realize how much death and seeing other people grieve terrify me until today.

I wish I was brave. I wish I could do more. I miss my mom so freaking much. And if heaven is real, I hope she guides tita to the light.