My experiences and the things that have affected me

I am writing this down because I want to understand the experiences that have affected me throughout my life. Some of these may seem like isolated incidents, but I feel that together they have had a significant impact on how I see myself, relationships, trust, boundaries, and my own worth.

Childhood and school

• I was physically bullied and beaten by a friend when I was a child.
• I was molested by a van driver when I was a child.
• I was beaten by other children at school.
• There were times when my school fees had not been paid, and teachers would scold me in front of the entire class. Other children would make fun of me because of it.
• I was also scolded by the tuition receptionist in front of other children because my tuition fees had not been paid.
• I was mistreated and bullied by other students at tuition.
• During a tuition farewell, another boy kicked me for no apparent reason.

Sexual assault

• I was raped by a man in my village on three occasions.

This is something that has affected me deeply, although I have found it difficult to process or talk about.

Discovering my father's affair

• When I was a child, I was playing games on my father's phone and accidentally discovered that he was having an affair with another woman. I also saw intimate/nude photos of her on his phone.
• I did not know what to do or how to process what I had seen. I was too young and completely clueless about how I was supposed to react.

After 10th grade

• After my 10th-standard results, I underwent a psychological/aptitude assessment (Kalchachni) at Dnyana Prabodhini.
• The results made me feel inadequate in several areas. I was told/led to believe that my emotional intelligence was low and that I was not particularly strong in some other aspects.
• Looking back, I think this contributed to some of the self-doubt I developed about myself.

Bullying and self-harm during engineering

• During engineering, I became extremely angry and frustrated because of the bullying and other things I had experienced.
• At some point, I ended up hurting myself without fully realizing what I was doing.
• I used loud music as a way to release my anger and emotions. I listened to very loud music for long periods.
• Eventually, I developed severe sound sensitivity (hyperacusis) and tinnitus.
• This happened during my second year of engineering and had a huge impact on my life. My ears became extremely sensitive to sound, and I have had to use ear protection outdoors. It became a chronic problem and has significantly changed how I live my life.
• I became depressed for about a year because of what happened to my hearing.

Academic anxiety and depression

• During one presentation in college, I was extremely depressed and anxious and was going through so much emotionally that I couldn't properly learn or prepare. While giving the presentation, I became overwhelmed and started crying.
• During a mock interview with college seniors, I was not adequately prepared, but I was also extremely anxious and depressed. My anxiety became so intense that my speech became unintelligible/slurred.
• I was also mistreated and taken advantage of by some college friends.

Problems at home

• My mother developed severe suspicions/paranoia and began believing that my father and I were plotting against her.
• One night, I was sleeping and woke up to the sound of my mother crying and yelling. My heart started racing immediately. Even now, I sometimes get flashbacks to that incident.
• When I was taking my mother to see a psychologist, she became extremely angry with us and yelled at me. After we reached the psychologist's office, she cried very loudly and intensely. I had never heard someone cry like that before.
• When I was leaving the psychologist's office afterward, I became overwhelmed and cried in public. I still get flashbacks to that experience.
• My parents have also had frequent fights. Seeing my mother cry affects me very strongly, and I often end up crying too.
• Sometimes when I am alone at night trying to sleep, I suddenly hear my mother's crying voice in my head. It triggers memories and flashbacks, and I end up crying alone.

Seeing other families and wishing my life were different

• After a college trip to Hyderabad, I returned and saw other students being picked up by their parents. Their parents seemed happy to see them, and everything looked normal and peaceful.
• I remember wishing that I could have a normal family life like that.
• I left the scene and started crying.
• My father eventually came to pick me up, but he was late and had been drinking.
• This memory still affects me and I sometimes get flashbacks to that moment.

My first internship

• After college, I started an internship in what I felt was a very toxic workplace.
• I was not given proper guidance about how to complete my work, but I was still heavily judged on my performance.
• During a review, the CEO told me something along the lines of: "You have good grades, but your performance is not good. Did you copy in your exams?"
• During another performance review, my lead told me that I did not have the capability to think like a software engineer.
• These comments deeply affected me and created a lot of self-doubt about my intelligence and ability.
• I remember riding my bike to the internship and thinking about these things. Sometimes I would become so overwhelmed that I would stop my bike somewhere and cry.
• Looking back, I don't understand why I felt that I had to endure that environment or why I considered the internship so important that I continued going through what felt like hell.

My first workplace friendships

I later joined another company. Since I was a fresher, I became part of a group of other freshers. Initially, I thought I had finally found friends, but over time I felt that some of them took advantage of me because I was naive and had difficulty setting boundaries.

Incident 1 — Being humiliated and kicked

• We went on an office trip to Pawna Lake.
• One of the guys in the group got drunk and repeatedly abused/insulted me in front of everyone.
• I wasn't enjoying what was happening, so I moved away from the group and started playing badminton with someone else.
• Out of nowhere, he came and kicked me.
• I kicked him back.
• The incident affected me significantly, and I started withdrawing from the group afterward.

Incident 2 — Feeling betrayed and eventually being excluded

• The first incident affected how comfortable I felt around the group.
• There were around ten people in the group, and I was particularly close to some of the female friends.
• After what happened, I became uncomfortable interacting with the rest of the group and mostly talked to one close female friend.
• I understand that this may have made the others feel excluded or upset.
• Later, they planned a trip to Konkan. I was invited but declined, while my close friend went with them.
• At first, I didn't think much of it. But when I saw photos of her having a great time with them, I felt betrayed and hurt.
• When she asked me what was wrong, I couldn't control my emotions and lashed out. I told her that she shouldn't have gone with them and that it had hurt me.
• She interpreted this as me trying to control her and stopped talking to me.
• Things became extremely awkward within the group. Whenever I went near them, she would move away, which made me feel rejected and humiliated.
• Eventually, the group seemed to choose her over me, and I was left alone.
• I felt lonely even when I was surrounded by people.
• They started excluding or ditching me, and at one point I caught them doing it and confronted them.
• This period was extremely difficult because I felt ignored, unwanted, and isolated, while simultaneously being unsure whether I should leave the group or try to stay.

Incident 3 — Being humiliated again

• Eventually, I became friends with the same guy who had kicked me, along with some of the other people.
• There was a new female intern at the office whose last day was coming up, so we went out for lunch.
• Again, the same guy got drunk and started insulting me in front of everyone.
• The others joined in, roasting and disrespecting me.
• Eventually, even the intern started disrespecting me.
• I froze and couldn't properly react in the moment.
• When I got home, I became extremely angry and cried.
• I called and texted them and told them that they were "full of shit."

Realization about friendships and boundaries

After all of these incidents, I eventually left that group.

One of the biggest realizations I had was that I felt like I didn't have any real friends—people I could genuinely talk to about my problems or who I could trust emotionally.

I started cutting people out of my life, including two people who had previously been close friends.

I also realized that I had very poor boundaries. I found it extremely difficult to say no, stand up for myself, or recognize when someone was taking advantage of me. I think this made it easier for some people to mistreat me.

At the same time, I think I became very sensitive to rejection, abandonment, and feeling excluded. When something happened that made me feel rejected, I could become extremely emotionally affected by it.

Being blocked by someone I trusted

• Later, I became friends with an older woman at work.
• We went out for dinner, and I had planned to open up to her about many of the difficult things I had experienced.
• Instead, she suddenly blocked me without explaining what had happened.
• This affected me more than I expected.
• I immediately started questioning myself and wondering whether I had done something wrong.
• I still don't know why she blocked me, and part of me feels that if she had a problem with something I did, she should have communicated it instead of disappearing.

What I think has happened to me

When I look at all of these experiences together, I notice some recurring patterns:

• I have experienced physical and sexual abuse.
• I experienced bullying and humiliation from a young age.
• I have repeatedly felt rejected, excluded, or abandoned.
• I have had difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries.
• I often tolerate mistreatment for too long and then become extremely angry or emotional afterward.
• I sometimes freeze when someone is insulting or mistreating me and only process the anger later.
• I seem to be extremely sensitive to rejection and betrayal.
• Seeing or hearing my mother cry can trigger intense emotional reactions and memories.
• I have developed significant self-doubt about my intelligence, competence, and worth.
• I often feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
• I tend to question myself after interpersonal conflicts and wonder whether everything was my fault.
• I want close relationships and friendships, but I also find it difficult to trust people and feel safe with them.

I am writing all of this down because I want to understand how these experiences have shaped me, which reactions are connected to my past, and what I can do to heal and develop healthier relationships and boundaries.