Almost 2 years sober… the regret is still crushing

I started drinking really young, 14 was the first time I got drunk with my sister. Looking back that’s the same year my dad was murdered. He was an extreme alcoholic, and all of my siblings struggled with it to (I’m one of 5). My sister was babysitting me while my mom was out of town, and she had her bf over and I think they wanted to make sure I’d stay asleep. After that I started partying, getting snuck into clubs, house parties, all of that. I never got into drugs but I was the heaviest drinker always in my friend group. Lots of bad memories there, getting taken advantage of by older men, embarrassing myself, being in bad dangerous situations. Then, I lost control at 19, I started drinking on the job, I had to quit before they found out. I got my first DUI. (I have 2 shamefully) Drinking wasn’t fun anymore. I just couldn’t stop. I don’t have the words to express to you how hard it was to carry the regret, the shame, the self hatred every single time I drank. 15 years of bad drinking, 2 DUIs, almost losing my life several times (ie I fell trying to change, my mom found me in the bathtub with my dress over my head and my arms up and my neck at a bad angle, I had passed out and I think I could have died from positional asphyxiation). So many stories like this it would take me hours to count them all. I tried everything, AA, counseling, therapy, mental health meds. When I turned 30, I was finally able to stop. Now, almost 2 years later, I still get flashbacks to bad times. I still feel the immense shame of it like it was just yesterday. The physical response I have when a memory pops into my head is seriously painful, my chest gets really tight and my heart starts racing, my stomach drops like a roller coaster. Will it ever get better… or what is even the point. I’m glad I’m not hurting the people that love me anymore or actively destroying and rebuilding my life. But the pain still feels so fresh.