Whimpering, excited, barking occasionally, looking out the screen door every morning at the first trace of dawn wanting to chase those filthy deer. But thats also the time skunks, raccoons, and porcupine might be about, so they wait impatiently until its brighter.

Spittin rain, backs in a lot of pain from humidity, no art this morning. No shittyfoodporn post today because its just apple/rasin burritos again. Have to get more tortillas to continue.

Had a rough night again, cut myself with a razor a few times for that pain dopamine to help me sleep, boiling over with anger otherwise, at least i haven't started burning my face with a branding iron like i used to.

I admit i don't know healthy ways to regulate emotions, growing up my parents would do cruel things bullying me, if i got upset and yelled (what they wanted) they would use it to justify beating me for over reacting, if i became sad they would bully me more with nane calling and mockery trying to get me to react so they could beat me for it, by 5 i leaned to never respond, never react, be emotionally dead on the outside, internalize it, supress it. Then i was bullied for that too.

Early school years i didn't know healthy ways to react so just responded to everything by being emotionally dead with a 1000 yard stare.

My parents lead the bullying, or my grandmother, and they rewarded my sister's for doing it. Nobody, ir almost nobody ever stood up for me.

School years i didn't react or suppressed everything till i snapped and went berzerk. Being blank all the time got me in sped and misdiagnosed aspurgers. Been thinking about that since a redditirs question reminded me of it this morning.

Fast forward a few decades and i still do the same stuff, people do shitty stuff and i don't react, so thry do more till i snap. I don't outwardly show anger, i am calm and emotionally dead in heated confrontations and proples body language tells me they find it disturbing. Like a cold dead eyed shark. Because im internalizing everything.

If i ask for help, usually it just makes things worse, if it doesn't make things worse then it accomplishes nothing at all.

Like when i was sexually assaulted in 3rd grade, i was shunned by other kids so wandered around the edge of the playground by myself, hence was grabbed because i was alone and nobody noticed if i was gone or cared. I told my aunt and mother and both responded by beating me for telling them, so all i did for weeks after was cry, try to figure things out myself, and smear shit on the walls, then stopped doing that because I was beaten and had my face rubbed in it. Not stopping because i could process better, supressed it because if i didn't it just made things worse, then would use my fingernails to gouge pieces of skin off my arms and pull my hair out.

The issue with the mechanic is bringing back a lot of shit. I trusted someone, they fucked me over, then are holding it over me to make me feel helpless, i do what i can to respond but it goes nowhere. People would say to go to court but thats a crock of shit, can't without a lawyer and can't find one, going in circles trying. All while being mocked and reminded the guy destroyed my tractor and won't make it right, went to his deacon who did nothing, so thats now pushing me into not trusting any mennonites, their word is worthless. And back to boiling in anger and taking extreme measures to supress it, at least when depression isn't making me so apathetic i don't care and can't get off the couch for anything.

Sigh, no good talking about it, my burritos are done so I'll stop yelling at clouds.

Chasing the deer out of the orchard every morning