Have to say this because no one is listening.

My (20F) life is exact meaning of " living hell". It's been one year since I haven't been stepped out of my house, not because I don't want to it's because I not allowed to. I remember as a child when everyone hates school, I love going to school. At first I thought because I like my friends or staying out but growing up I realised it was never about school it's just I love being away from my home. My life right now is nightmare for the little me.

I can't go out, I can't make friends, I can't sit alone , I can't express being sad or angry or frustrated, I can't have phone of my own. My home isn't my safe place. I feel trapped not because I hate my home or my family but because I can't feel myself. I can't tell how I feel to my parents because they would never understand and I somehow know their answer after all they gonna blame me only for my situation right now. Well they aren't wrong though but I don't think I deserve this either.

How do I tell anyone that I can't do this anymore. I do have several self harming thought but I such a coward. I saw many depressed people making video on YouTube talking about their mental health and I feel so jealous because atleast they can talk about what's going on in their mind.

People around me would never understand me. I also started journaling my thoughts but sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't even express in words. One of reason of not journaling is I don't want my parents to find out my thoughts because they'll never understand me and all they'll do is make fun me or get angry on me.

I want to get out of just take a walk because this is so heavy. I'm too young for all this. It was my fault but I didn't committed any crime then why this is happening to me? I might delete this very soon because I can't let anyone find out