I’m afraid of upsetting my mother, but I don’t want to stay at her house

I’ve had a pretty shitty lottery in life when it comes to parents. I’m an only child with two narcissistic parents. My mother was controlling and verbally and physically abusive throughout my childhood and well into adulthood, while my father has always mostly cared about himself and his own wishes.

Over the years, though, our relationship has improved relatively well, partly because I spent most of my adult life living in another country.

I’m pregnant and we have moved back to home country until we decide what to do later. My husband and I bought a house, but it’s still being renovated, so for now we have to stay with one set of parents.

My parents have offered for us to stay with them and help with the baby. Their house is more convenient - fewer stairs, my mother is retired, etc. There’s also some passive-aggressive pressure from my mother that she won’t go to “someone else’s house” to help us if we choose my husband’s parents.

The problem is the condition of my parents’ house.

It used to be one of the nicest houses in town, but over the years they have let it deteriorate terribly. There is a really awful smell from years of accumulated grease and dirt. Literally every surface, kitchen element, cupboard, and even the spoons feel greasy. There are things that don’t work anymore, clutter everywhere, and generally the whole house feels extremely neglected.

My mother is in her 70s and has had cancer, so I completely understand that keeping a large house clean has become too much for her. What I genuinely cannot understand is why they refuse any help.

I started deep-cleaning it myself because I cannot imagine bringing a newborn into that environment. My mother became extremely offended by this. I suggested hiring a cleaner once a week—I would pay, and they could choose someone they trusted—but they absolutely refused because they don’t want a stranger cleaning their house.

My husband’s parents’ house, on the other hand, is very clean (they also have a cleaning lady) and I would have no problem staying there. It’s just less convenient logistically.

So I feel completely stuck. I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings, especially because our relationship has improved so much. But I also cannot imagine spending the first months with my newborn in a house that smells like old grease and where everything is literally sticky and broken.

And I really don’t want to spend my postpartum period cleaning an enormous house or constantly worrying about my mother being offended by it.

I know the obvious answer is probably “choose the clean house,” but after growing up with an abusive and controlling mother, making a decision I know will upset her is much harder emotionally than it sounds.

For example, years ago, when I told my mother that we were considering possibly living with my husband’s parents when we eventually moved back home, she called me an idiot and a peasant and literally laughed in my face.

And my husband’s mother is not exactly better in this regard. When she found out that we were initially planning to stay with my parents, she was so offended that she didn’t want to speak to me for a while.

So it’s not really just about which house is more convenient. I feel like I’m caught between two possessive, narcissistic mothers who both feel entitled to have a say in where we live and who gets to “help” with the baby, and both take it personally when we make a choice they don’t like.

The situation is also complicated by the fact that my husband is from another city, so if we stay with his parents, I won’t have any of my own family or friends nearby. And his parents both work, so realistically they wouldn’t be able to help us nearly as much as my retired parents could.

And now, while our house is being renovated and we can’t afford to rent somewhere else, I somehow find myself having to choose which mother I’m going to disappoint.

How the hell do I navigate this without losing my mind?