thoughts and feelings dump, part ??

I'm just gonna use this as a platform for journalling again, where no one will really see it in the immediate future but, maybe one day when I'm gone someone who knew me can find it and have some kind of insight into the thoughts I struggle with a lot of the time. A way I can scream into the void that's not entirely hidden and there for posterity but that won't affect anyone in my immediate present

The loneliness and melancholy are dragging me down again. I feel the people close to me, the few that remain, pulling away. I don't even know why I keep getting up every day at this point.

I had a girlfriend for a bit over a year there. We split a few months ago now. She had her own stuff going on in life and also moved and it just kind of faded away. Our communication was so good in the beginning, we were always upfront with each other about or emotions and thoughts and what we were feeling. But things just kind of disintegrated, she became despondent and our communication broke down, I hardly even knew what she was doing until afterward..I don't need like, a running commentary on what a partner is doing eery day but just. Tell me what's up, don't shut me out. I tried to talk to her about it a couple times, it was received gracefully and promises were made to change but nothing did. I broke it off trying to do the right thing for both of our mental wellbeing; I'd not actually known just how bad my abandonment/rejection sensitivity can get. I'd start spiralling into a pit of anxiety if I didn't hear from her. Not even jealousy, we were quite open with each other and it was a semi-poly relationship, she had another person she was seeing casually and I knew of this and was okay with it, there are some things I just can't give to someone with my anatomy and she had expressed wanting to do some things I couldn't give to her. It wasn't jealousy it was just, feeling left out and neglected and not knowing if I even had a girlfriend anymore. While simultaneously worrying about her wellbeing like, maybe something bad has happened. The classic anxiety worst scenario thoughts. So if I actually bother seeing any mental health professional again that's a thing I need to work on. People's worlds don't revolve around me, just because I sit at home doing fuck all all day it doesn't mean someone not talking to me for a day or two means they hate me

But now I even feel the person I see as my best friend pulling away from me and avoiding me. I think after years of my neurotic tendencies he's had enough. And I can't even blame him...but it doesn't mean I don't feel hurt. But I don't want to push anything, if someone spends time with me I want it to be because they want to not because they feel bad. But I'm such a little lump of misery it makes me a drag to be around. But it's harder when it's someone close who I didn't expect that from. He's stuck by me through some of my worst but I think it's just too much work to bother with me anymore. He has his own stuff going on, he's very sick (and I constantly fret about that, so when I don't hear from him there's another layer to the anxiety onion lol). But idk. I tried to talk to him openly and say hey, I feel like you just don't really want to spend time with me, and that's okay I just wish you'd say so upfront. Same as the previous gf, it was received gracefully and acknowledged, but I don't think anything will change. He said he'd try to organise actually hanging out some time but hasn't. And the one time I hop on insta in like 3 months just my luck I see him in a story post hiking with someone. It just kind of broke the dam and I can't stop feeling hurt and left out and unwanted. It's so stupid, I feel so stupid, and selfish, and like a total ass. But I can't help it. I can't stop crying thinking about it. I'd love to get out and go places, but no one invites me to anything. I want to see the people I love and care about but I have to nag them to make it happen. It's again not even jealousy, like genuinely he looks so happy and carefree and I'm so glad he was able to get out and have a good time, a distraction from his illnesses, has good friends he likes to spend time with and can relax around. It's just, I want to be there too. I want to make him feel happy too. I wish I could be there on beautiful coastal cliffsides and petting cute dogs, instead of sat at home alone with my thoughts.
I'm not the kind of person who can just go out for the sake of being out, I get too panicky, I need a goal even if it's just "I go out to see x person and sit in a park to chat for a bit" but no one wants to do that with me. I dunno.

I think I'm just meant to be alone.

I want to paint, but. I was trying to teach the previous gf (it feels weird saying "ex," because that's usually associated negatively. But we still talk, and it wasn't a bad breakup, we didn't fight or anything and I still care about her) some painting techniques and stuff. So now it just makes me feel sad, it makes me think about when we first got together and everything was so nice and felt like it'd last, it was the first truly healthy and stable relationship I've had, until it just withered away. I'm not going to give up painting minis forever or anything I just....I can't right now. It's hard even to go into my local store. Well harder than usual, it was already a bit daunting because social anxiety. But now it and everything hobby related just makes me sad.
My best friend (I don't know if I can even call him that anymore idk everything is a confusing mess) have bonded a lot over the past several years over minis/hobby too. Some of my minis were gifts from him. So it's just compounding and I can't find the motivation, even though I want to finish my projects. (And my commission. Thankfully my friend/client is kind and patient and says every time I say sorry that there's no rush or deadline but I still just can't help but feel immensely guilty.)

I kept trying for the past like, year, to ask best friend over to paint with me (like when we first became friends, we only had a few painting afternoons but they were so nice), but it never happened. Usually because he gets sick a lot as he's immunocompromised (I do believe him, he's not the lying type). But it'd never be re-organised for another day. I think I just give up now. But I think all I want right now is for him to just come and spend an afternoon quietly painting with me again. I don't think it'll happen though, I feel like maybe he was quietly hoping that I'd give up, and I think I will now.
That, and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay, I'm not worthless or a waste of their time, that I matter to at least one person. But I know it won't happen. My mental state just makes spending time with me into a chore. Even when I'm "happy" I'm not really all that happy, just numb enough to not feel the sadness and loneliness and get stuck thinking about it. I wish I could be better. I've always been this way, medicated or not, with more friends or not. I don't know how to not feel these things.

I don't want to be alone but I think I always will be, despite how hard I try.