Asexual with depression

Edit: in trying to be brief, I left off way too many details.

I (44m) have been married to my wife (43f) for 24 years. In our first 18 years, we had 4 kids and gained a lot of weight. By 2020 we were both over 300 pounds and my wife had become diabetic. We decided it was time to fix the weight problem and over the last 6 years, she's lost 190 pounds and I'm down about 150. We are not physically active, though I'm more active (which just means I get more walking in than her because of my job).

We were both raised in families that did not discuss sex. We both figured it out on our own. We were both sexually abused though while that entire period in my life is simply blank (I have basically a handful of memories I can recall from 12 and under), she can recall exactly what happened to her. She has struggled with depression and psychosis her entire life and about 8 years ago, anxiety and panic attacks started. She was recently diagnosed with autism and says she thinks she is asexual.

When we first got together, we had a good sex life and we both enjoyed sex. After our 2nd child was born, she fell into an awful post partum psychosis. We didn't know that's what it was at the time. It felt like she had just checked out of the marriage and life in general. She couldn't bring herself to care about anything. We were eventually able to help her get out of that with the help of meds and she got a job that let her chat with other girls all day which helped.

After a few years, life was going good, our relationship was good, and we felt like it was time to have a couple more kids. We had our 3rd child but. with the weight gained by both of us over the years, the final child was not an easy one. The weight was also getting in the way of our sex life. We still had sex but it was less often. Before she got pregnant with our last son, we discovered panic attacks. We still have no idea where they came from, but some things would cause her to start panicking. It took some time, but meds and a counselor have helped a lot.

It was also somewhere in these years that she finally confided that she doesn't feel anything inside her vagina during sex. She can tell if I got deep enough though that wasn't always pleasant so we avoided it. She has on once had a penetrative orgasm. I had often wondered if maybe I just wasn't very well endowed. I'd say I'm a bit under average. We brought it up with her on/gyn who informed us that it was actually quite common for women not to feel anything inside and that many have to have clitoral stimulation instead, which she enjoyed.

After the panic attacks started, her desire seemed to start dropping as well. She also started having essential tremors which cause her hands to tremor. She's on meds to help with that too.

Along with the weight gain came high blood pressure and eventually diabetes. Our last child was 5 weeks early because they couldn't get her blood pressure to come down to a reasonable level after an hour of laying down. More meds and finally, we both decided it was time for a change.

We both had gained a lot of weight but the need to give herself shots on a daily basis was the final straw for her. She hates needles. So we both went and got the bariatric sleeve back in 2020. Losing weight was slow but happening. She was on a low dose of ozempic so they bumped it up. That's when the weight really started to fall off. She lost close to 200 pounds from her highest weight and gained back some of her confidence. She was able to stop taking some meds, but there have been other changes that have messed with her. Unfortunately, I learned much later that ozempic and other glp1 have the bad side effect of losing muscle as well if you aren't working out, which we don't do. So she struggles with getting winded at any activity.

About 3 years ago or so, we were going through all the different sexualities under lgbt and she told me she feels like she now is an asexual.

She doesn't really feel sexual desire as much lately. I have insisted that if I get to orgasm, she should have the opportunity too (sometimes with oral/fingers but often with a vibrator). It took a bit for her to accept that mostly because she's self conscious but, she gets into it when it's her turn. Part of the reason she is self conscious is that years ago, we were talking to a friend about orgasms and somewhere in there, we learned how women end up spraying during orgasm. She tried it and hasn't really been able to not spray since and gets embarrassed about getting things wet. We usually have a towel in place though to avoid that. She still doesn't really enjoy the act of sex itself other than seeing me orgasm. She doesn't care for foreplay, kissing, etc much anymore. she grows impatient with it taking too long. She just wants me to get started. She's not concerned with me lasting long since, as mentioned, she doesn't feel it, so quicker is better.

However, that doesn't work for me, especially lately. I love foreplay and making out and without these, sometimes it's difficult for me to finish. Our counselor said he usually had people complaining the other way around. Guy wants to get started and woman wants to build up. I think part of the issue lately is that I can't feel her much anymore. She's never really felt tight or snug, even before kids. But lately it's gotten to the point where it's incredibly difficult for me to orgasm because there's little friction except right at her entrance. I think the complete lack of exercise and loss of muscle have contributed. So my question then, is there anything I can use/wear that would help it feel snug for me? I know there are exercises she can do to help but that's unlikely to happen and would take a while to see results even if they did.

I also wanted to know if anyone else has had experience with an asexual person. They can enjoy sex, but the scope is incredibly narrow, so I'm trying to learn more about it and what I might be able to do to help my wife and I strengthen our relationship and maybe find some things she's into, sexual or otherwise, that we can enjoy together.