Have any of you ever cut off your narcissistic parent(s)? If so, how did you feel about it after?

My mom (54f) is a textbook narcissist. She is incapable of seeing anything from anyone else’s perspective. She has never apologized - unless it’s in some weird twisted way that gives the same energy as “I’m sorry you think you deserve an apology”.

I’m (25f) the one always standing up for her to family. She’ll say terrible things to my aunts or my grandma, or does terrible things, but I always pick up the pieces of the mess she leaves behind.

But I think I’ve reached my final straw.

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. It started off on Friday when my mom came over and insisted she wanted to put decorations up for the party I was hosting for both mine and one of my friend’s birthdays. I told her I didn’t want them, and she flipped out. She said she spent all this money on them and now I don’t even want them. I told her I didn’t ask for decorations - but if she cares that much, she can put them up for my family-only celebration the following day. She was still pissed, but she made do with that.

Fast forward to Saturday. I’m hungover as hell as my friends and I went hard the night before. But nonetheless, I’m excited to see my family on my birthday. I’m getting ready when I hear the front door open. I almost go downstairs in my sweats and a sports bra expecting to see one of my cousins or my aunt - but it’s two strangers. No idea who these people are. So I turned back around and walked upstairs. I texted my dad asking who these people are - my dad said “no idea”. I finish getting ready and go downstairs and the unidentified man tells me he’s someone who last saw me ten years ago. The woman is his sister, whom I have never met. I find all of this very odd, but I roll with the punches. My dad, however, who is a trans woman, goes upstairs and has a panic attack because she wasn’t expecting strangers and she did not have herself all done up like she likes to be in front of people she doesn’t know. (Some background: my parents have not been together for a long time, but they are amicable, hence why my mom was over at my dad and I’s house for my birthday). I text my aunt at this point telling her there’s random people at my house, and she tells me that my one cousin likely won’t come due to her severe social anxiety. I say that’s okay - of course I want here there, but I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend time around people she’s never met at a family celebration. Fast forward a little more time, my aunt arrives with my two little cousins - I adore them. They brought me gifts and hugs and it was perfect. My aunt on my mom’s side comes too, which is a surprise, but a welcome one. We all sit down to eat tacos, besides my dad who is still upstairs. Finally, the two random strangers leave. Many of us are sitting around the kitchen table and I asked my mom: “Why would you invite [the two strangers]? If you had asked me if they could come, I would have said no.” My mom says she thought it would be a nice surprise. I said she could have at the very least let my dad know so she didn’t have to feel so uncomfortable presenting so masculine in front of people she’s never met. My mom brushes it off, and that’s that. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to the evening. I’m out at a club with two of my best friends in the whole world. My mom sends me some big long message at 10:30pm telling me how rude I am for not finding her friends worth seeing on my birthday. She said I was selfish and she will not try and plan any sort of celebrations for me in the future. She said having the strangers come was “out of her control”. She said “I’m sorry you didn’t feel [strangers] were worth the time to visit”. I’m just trying to have fun with my friends, so I respond saying “I am trying to have fun with my friends. We can talk about this later. Goodnight mama”. She responds “night” - and here I’m thinking that’ll be the end of it, at least for that night. I was mistaken. She sends me another big long message at 12:30am. She says I shit all over her at the kitchen table in front of other people and that was embarrassing for her. She said everyone got to say what they wanted but her, so she’s saying it now. She said clearly her feelings don’t matter to me. She said “but I guess some people like making others feel small and uncomfortable”. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable coming over anymore. She said she can’t believe I’d stick up for my dad and my cousin but fail to see anything from her perspective. I was intoxicated at this point and started crying at the club. I asked her to let it go, and that I already have, and that I’m just trying to have fun with my friends. She said “no, I will not let it go”. She said I was selfish and everything is always about me. This is when I decide to look at Facebook, where my mom made a birthday post about me and decided to end it with: “Hope your birthday was as fun as it was for me to try and surprise you or decorate or simply try to make it special.” This upset me, but I stopped messaging her and tried to enjoy the rest of my night.

Then, yesterday, she sends me a ton of messages. Here she brings up how I don’t like her boyfriend but I’m going to have to get used to him if I want to see her because she doesn’t feel comfortable coming to my house anymore. She said that when I’m ready to apologize to her, we can start to rebuild “whatever relationship we had”. She said a lot more, but then proceeded to cancel her credit card that my parking app is connected to (which I have used twice in the last three months). She also said I have one month to switch my life insurance policy over to my own credit card or she’s cancelling it.

This isn’t the first time something has happened and I’m made out to be the bad guy. In fact, it happens quite often. My aunts on my mom’s side want nothing to do with my mom, but I insist that my mom is just a little socially dense and doesn’t realize what she’s doing is hurting people. They have her in their lives because I stand up for her. I am so tired of it. I’m so tired of her always being the victim. She is incapable of taking accountability for anything. This whole thing could’ve been solved with a “I’m sorry for inviting random people to your birthday party, I didn’t realize it would affect your dad or your cousin how it did”. But instead I’m the bad guy because I called her out in front of family members who now she apparently doesn’t trust. Without me, she loses everyone though. My aunts, my grandma, my dad, everyone but the two deadbeat men who she lives with.

To add some more perspective, she once told me she hoped her boyfriend died before 65 because his life insurance will pay out way more to her that way.

When my parents were together, she admitted to common friends of theirs that she was biding her time with my dad to ensure she got the most money out of my dad when she leaves.

She is honestly an evil person. I’m tired of standing up for her. I’m tired of being the bad guy in her eyes when I stand up for myself or other family members in the wake of something she’s done. I’m tired. And I think I would be more at peace without her in my life. I love her - she’s my mom. But I’m at a loss.