I used ChatGPT to help me organise my thoughts because I'm honestly too overwhelmed to write this properly. We're a Muslim couple from South Asia. I'm 33F, my husband is 40M, and we have one young child.

I've been married for 7+, conflicts were a part of marriage since beginning. There has been physical violence from him during the early years of our marriage. It became less frequent after the first couple of years, but there have been incidents during my pregnancy, after our child was born, and again recently not to the extent he did during the first 2 years, as he had promised he won't raise hands against me again during one of fights. The fights were majorly about him being close to other women. A month ago we had a huge argument after I found communication with other women. He said he would divorce me and even said he didn't want our child. He tried to hit me and used extremely vulgar language. I begged him not to leave because I don't want my son to grow up without his father, especially because my husband's own mother died when he was an infant and he was raised by relatives/grandparents, His own father is alive still he gets angry if I tell my son that his grandfather is this person, like while teaching grandparents names. Things became normal for a month or so. But yesterday again I asked him cross questions, as he wasn't praying namaz , said he wants to take a bath, I got suspicious because of it, so I repeatedly asked few questions, for that he got angry , he said he wanted to take bath because he suspects of having came across some dirty water. then he started using really extreme vulgar langauge for suspecting him , these are very abusive and extremely cheap words directed at me, my mom and my parents. He repeatedly used extremely vulgar insults towards me and my parents. Later he said, If our son wasn't there, I would have left you long ago. he came towards me as if he was going to hit me, tried to throw things and threatened to smash my laptop, phone, his phone and the TV, for all these items, I was the one who paid EMI, he might have paid part of down payment, even for his own phone am still paying the EMI.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm very suspicious of him and I know my questioning can make arguments worse. I genuinely feel that I bring out the worst in him because of my suspicions. But my suspicion didn't come from nowhere.

Before our marriage he was very emotionally attached to two women he called his best friends, both of whom were married. One called him on our wedding night and he opened her gift that night. During my ninth month of pregnancy, I found chats with one of them where he was asking who she had called and asking for screenshots of her call history. Later I stopped checking because I had a newborn and couldn't handle the emotional pain. More recently I've found chats, voice notes and voice/video calls with other women. I don't know whether he has physically cheated and I don't want to accuse him without proof, but he is extremely secretive with his phone, changes passwords and makes sure I can't see the screen. I asked him to simply promise me that he would never become romantically involved with another woman. He refused.

He has also criticised my appearance for years, calling me “blacky” and “crow,” making comments about my hair and ridiculing my breast size. Sometimes I wonder whether he was never really attracted to me and only married me partly because I was working and pursuing my studies. He himself had told me he married me for financial support. I have also caught him watching porn since beginning of our marriage to recent past. He gets easily attached to women, I have noticed the pattern with my own cousins too. But if I say something I'm being suspicious, I have some disease is what he says.

Financially, I have carried most of the burden. During COVID I supported him when he was unemployed, and recently he was unemployed for about three months again. I don't mind supporting my husband when he's struggling , that's what I believe marriage is about. But when I'm carrying most of the financial responsibility and also don't feel loved, emotionally cared for, reassured or secure about his loyalty, eventually I break down. If I bring up the financial burden, he gets angry too. In yesterday's fight he brought that up too, that I told him that 'your father isn't paying house rent' This I said in a moment of anger as he refused let me inside room and asked me to get out. I was also told to not to come to back during our fight a month ago, all this while I'm the one who is paying the rent. The agreement is in his name. All this made me feel like I should own that am the one who is handling major expenses.

The worst part is that I don't want to leave him. I'm attached to him , I don't know if it's love or the Nikah bond, I don't want my son to lose his father, and I don't want him to have the same childhood my husband had. But I'm also scared of my husband now, and I don't want my son growing up watching his father insult, threaten or hit his mother and thinking this is normal.

People often say “go back to your parents,” but my parents are not financially well-off either and they don't even have their own home. Going back to them would mean living wherever they are currently staying and becoming another burden on them, even though I work myself. I don't have an easy place to simply take my child and start over.

I'm completely confused because I can see my own faults, but I also feel like I'm constantly taking responsibility for his behaviour. I keep thinking: Maybe if I stop being suspicious, maybe if I change myself, maybe if I become more patient, he'll become the husband I need.

Yesterday he said if we fight again like this he would for sure break my laptop , my phone his phone and TV. this is a threat to my work, as my only strenght is my career, which is also cannot flourish due to my unfinished degree. Since I took the fianancial responsibility I couldn't leave job and focus on completing my career. He says that he always asked me to leave the job and for the financial support we will sold the gold, which is also not much and only thing I have in my possession as wealth.

I have thought about divorce too, but the thought itself scares me, and maybe I would be the first one to go through it among my family, and my parents have always told me to adjust and go, that this, think about kid, and they are also very much worried, I simply put up a happy face in front of them as I don't want them to get worried much. I live in a city for my job and his job, I can move to a different home, but maybe my parents won't allow me to, and also being a single mom would be too difficult , my child keeps falling sick, somtimes we have to take him to hospital during midnights and all, also my husband is very much attached to him. although he had also said he doubt if our child is his, during an argument last month.

His relationship with Allah is weak, he hardly prays, doesn't read quran, he used read it in local language as he doesn't know to read arabic, but he stopped it long back. I also keep missing fajr, and I don't get kushu in Salah at all , I also don't read Quran now a days, only few basic daily adhkar like fathiha and Last 3 surahs with Ayatul Kursi.

I got health issue both physical and mental due to this , I got severe anxiety , insominia, affecting my career too as am unable to focus and complete tasks on time, My productivity at work hit rock bottom recently, I'm afraid I might get fired too.

For those who understand Islam and marriage, what would you do in this situation? Can a marriage with a history of physical violence, severe verbal abuse, lack of emotional connection and possible inappropriate relationships with other women genuinely be repaired? If yes, what would real change from the husband actually need to look like? And is staying for a child really better when the child may grow up witnessing this?

TL;DR

**33F, 40M, married 7+ years, one child. I love my husband but there has been physical violence, threats and severe verbal abuse throughout the marriage, including recently. I've repeatedly found him communicating with other women; he is secretive with his phone and refused to promise he won't become romantically involved with someone else. I know my suspicion contributes to our arguments, but I don't feel he gives me reassurance or transparency. I carry most of the financial burden and supported him through unemployment, but I feel emotionally unloved and uncared for. My parents are poor and don't have their own home, so “just go back to your parents” isn't a realistic option. I'm scared of him but still care for him and don't want my son to lose his father. I also don't want my son to learn his father's behaviour. Is this marriage realistically salvageable. I'm also going through servere anxiety and mental health issues, affecting my career too.