For those married 10, 20, 30+ years: when does the effort change?

I'm curious to hear from both men and women who have been married for a long time.

Why does it seem like the things that once came naturally compliments, affection, dates, deep conversations, making each other feel wanted can slowly disappear?

I understand life changes. Work, stress, kids, responsibilities and simply getting comfortable with someone can change a marriage. I'm not expecting anyone to stay in the honeymoon phase forever.

But when does “comfortable” become “we've stopped trying”?

I've always been someone who puts a lot of effort into my relationship. I communicate, I try to understand, I initiate, I try to keep the connection alive and I think about what I could be doing differently.

But lately I've been wondering where the line is between putting effort into your marriage and carrying the marriage.

And I'll admit something that makes me a little uncomfortable: when you're no longer getting compliments, affection or reassurance from your spouse, it's natural to sometimes want validation elsewhere. Not necessarily because you want to cheat or replace your partner, but because you want to feel seen and wanted.

Is wanting that validation simply human, or is it a sign that something important is missing in the relationship?

I'd really like to hear both perspectives.

For the men: Do you eventually stop noticing the little things about your wife? Do you realize it when the effort changes, or do you simply become comfortable and stop thinking about it?

For the women: Have you ever reached a point where you stopped trying so hard and started putting yourself first?

And for everyone who's been married for decades: what do you wish you had understood about keeping a marriage emotionally alive?