High school makes me so miserable

I just need to rant. I'm already just two weeks into junior year and I feel I can't it anymore. I was really doing a great job at working on myself this summer and felt much more confident that I would do better compared to previous years. For a brief bit I was okay but it's quickly gotten worse. I've been quickly falling behind. I've found it so difficult to catch back up upon falling behind simply because how much I despise this institution. I feel it disconnects me from my own body and life. I don't feel alive at school. I feel school reduces me to a passive observer to my own life. This feeling makes me feel so incredibly numb in every way imaginable, like I'm just some machine without agency. It feels as if fog or cloud surrounds my mind, which reduces my ability to think, ability to act, ability to feel. It makes me not feel like a human anymore, as I'm disenfranchised from my very being. This feeling is aided by the physical exhaustion I always feel just by going through the day, which gets so unbearable. Not only do I not feel alive at school, but also at home after school, during the weekends, and during most breaks. Only during summer does my life actually start again.

High school not only after robbing me of 11 hours from the day and commute will continue to rob me afterwards. Outside of school during the year I still feel so numb and awful that I can't focus or enjoy or feel the desire to do things, and/or I get so anxious about school that I feel unable to take any action or enjoy any pass time. I normally enjoy so many things, yet I feel reduced to a husk of human unable to truly engage with anything. Because of this it makes me sedentary in my life style, and I will tend to binge eat large amounts of food until overly full, where I loose sense of control of myself and feel so disgusting afterwards, with this happening nearly every day. I end up staying up extremely late just to delay having to go to school as much as I can, so I end up getting 4-5 hours of sleep every night.

Every class is so uninteresting. I normally love learning about things, I read tons of academic history books, papers, and dissertations on my own. I love researching and writing about what I've researched so much, yet any enjoyment I may have is completely ruined by school. It's a miracle I still love humanities subjects at this point, considering I was convinced by how much I hated math and science in school that I disliked the subjects, when I've come to realize that I do genuinely enjoy the subjects. I feel the transformation of working and learning into a tedious and repetitive process is what makes it so unbearable. It is within human nature to enjoy working and to be curious. The disconnect school creates from any agency in process of working and creating makes the process grueling and monotonous. School regardless of the technology used today still follows the same structure from the Victorian era designed for factory workers. The worst part is all the staff are so convinced of their fetishized idea of "education" which is so disconnected from actual reality. I feel so constrained and imprisoned. I don't have control over my own life and especially my own development. Success is defined in the through the perspective of grades and how we can market ourselves in college admissions. Every time I've been talked to about me struggling with grades it was always through the context of the issue being one purely with me. While I will not deny some fault of mine, they never considered I may be influenced by the fact that I'm forced into this system that makes me hate life. I genuinely believed for years that since I had bad grades I was worthless, and deserved nothing. I self harmed on many occasions because I believed I deserved it for my poor performance in school. I also noticed they told me how much as shame it is that since I'm smart I'm not living up to my potential. The only measure of success people are about is school. I lack agency in my own development as a person.

I've never belonged in any sense of community. I've always felt a fundamental disconnect from everyone I've ever met in school (and my age really in general) I'm trapped with all these people I just can't stand to be around. I've always felt so isolated. I frequently question whether I really am a person because everyone I always talk to I can tell there's such a fundamental alienation I can feel. I fear I may never find any feeling of belonging or genuine human connection. Every conversation I'm in I can just feel that should I leave it would be unnoticed. I genuinely just cannot maintain conversations with anyone my age, and nobody I know considers me a priority as a person.

Because of all this I just feel so exhausted, trapped, and hopeless in life. My grades are so terrible I have no prospects in regards to college, which I personally really really want to go to. I feel I'd actually be able to be engaged and intellectually stimulated. I could go to community college for two years and transfer but my fear with that is it is going to be far harder to actually make friends or anything like that when transferring, which matters a lot to me since being able to find community and connection is something I long for so much. And I just want to get out of my broken home, and run down, dirty city as soon as I can anyway. I feel like I'm drowning still being here, and that I can only truly develop by finally escaping. I just want to live and be happy. Yet I often feel dying is my only option.