He’s getting arrested

My friend encouraged me to go to the police to report that he had breached his conditions of his restraining order as he isn’t supposed to contact me. I saw his missed calls and email. In it, he wished me well, he’ll always care about me and I mean the world to him. It hurts because he didn’t treat me as nice as his words were.

We were on and off since the police took out a restraining order on him - almost a year ago. I swore I’d never contact him again. Eventually, he reached out to me and I caved. He would be an attentive, loving boyfriend but then try to convince me to revoke the RO and say with such conviction that I lied to the police. He attempted to suffocate me with a pillow out of no where which is the true reason for the RO being in place. His lack of accountability made me feel scared and that this person is dangerous.

I told them that he also threatened to go to my workplace and contact people I know if I ever “messed with him”. He also hit me in the nose at an empty restaurant but I didn’t tell them because it happened a few months ago.

I feel guilty because this all could have been avoided if I never spoke to him again, after the RO was granted. I wasn’t strong enough. I blame myself because I entertained it even when there was a no contact order in place for a reason. I honestly thought it was my fault for how the relationship turned out so I needed to fix it / myself. There were good moments where he was my best friend and the only person that seemed to understand me, vice versa. I feel like I betrayed him, picturing the police coming to visit him when he’s basically begged me to revoke it.

I’m sad, numb, and confused.