At the psychiatrist

I was at the psychiatrist on Tuesday at 3 September attending the session near 8 in the morning. It was supposed to be a secret that I attend psychiatry by myself, but I was forced to tell my grandma because my psychiatrist told me to get her so she can hear her side of the story.

Now, my grandma posts status on WhatsApp whenever I attend psychiatry. Not necessarily to shame me, but it would be seen by people from relatives to friends.

In that session, while it was going normal as we talked about my family scolding me and how I do at home, it soon began to feel accusing, maybe I just could not manage to recognise myself in such an image and label. She asked if I follow rules, saying that living under a roof with others required following rules, then about chores, pointing out how I only do it once told to do so. Soon enough, it became more of an accusation, every words she says felt more like an attack.

She kept pausing on her word to get me to continue the word she was about to say, I was labeling myself with what I felt more as accusation. I slowly stared to dissociate further, I look down mostly, flick my fingers more, and my response was slowly getting more delayed, I felt like I want to hit my head at that moment.

She told me that my family seeing my meltdown or me hitting my head would make them scared or confused. None of her words was that of a comfort or a way for me to confront myself, but more like an accusation. I get that I am young and that my story is one-sided, but I do not get why was I force to accuse myself on something that would only make me understand less of what she was trying to tell me?

I hate this, if I am not a victim of anything, was every feelings I have was out of nothing?

Am I deceiving myself?