the aching persistent feeling of csa without the memory

i barely remember anything from my childhood, and what i do remember is just sad. lots of abuse, neglect, loneliness, and desperation to save my family

i have many memories and feelings of being the victim of emotional incest by both my parents. dad used me as a little therapist to manage and deal with his bipolar, ptsd, and addictions. mom treated me like a romantic partner. i was the one trying to hold my extremely broken family together and was trying to save everyone holding onto the false hope that one day we could all unconditionally love each other.

i have no direct memories of csa, but i feel so deeply that it happened? i feel like an imposter because of it. i have one single memory of my mom touching me inappropriately, but that’s it. everything in my childhood is so extremely obscured because of how little i remember, but i feel like i surely would remember something as big as that right?

i’ve talked to my therapist about it, but i still feel really unsure of whether it really happened or not. does anyone else feel this way? is this a normal response to being the victim of emotional incest? is it likely i’ve supressed csa?