Pizza from one of the few acceptable spots in this whole city.

Long time listener, first time caller. I (mid 20's) have been in a relationship with a woman (early 40's) for nearly 2 years. Like the title, I don't think I know what I want. We've recently had some discussions about the future, and I desperately want kids one day. The knowledge that we don't have the time for both Me and We to be in better conditions is tearing me up. 

The real crux of the issue comes down to this: I love her when she's around, but find myself wishing I was single when she isn't. I've lost myself in this relationship, and I miss my friends. ​I think we're codependent (which is something that would take a lot of time and effort to resolve), and I feel like I need space to breathe that is hurtful for her. But when I think about leaving the relationship I'm intensely hurt at the thought of losing all of the inside jokes, loving moments, memories, and dreams for the future. 

I don't know what to do. I could write novels about all of the things I love about her, and also all of the things that hurt being in this relationship. I probably haven't given enough detail to actually help. There are two real parts of me, one that wants to stay in this relationship and put effort in to improve it, and one that believes in order to heal the things inside of me I have to leave it. To boil it down to a question, how do I know which part of me is right?

What Do I Want?