hi girls, tuna salad.   
TW: hyper vigilance, death/health OCD.

i’m at work and kinda having an ocd flare up right now. i need kind words, advice or just someone who can possibly say the right thing right now to get me through the rest of my shift. 

before we start:     
1: im on zoloft and today i went from 25mg to 50mg and im gonna see how that goes, next apt is scheduled for 4 weeks.     
2: my probationary period at work is almost done and the second i get health insurance i will be getting into counseling asap!

long story short:     
ive dealt with adhd + ocd ever since i was little. like 1st grade little. was diagnosed with adhd and never explored ocd cause i already had a diagnosis for something. i’m 25 now and just realized a few months ago it’s mixed with some thing else, low and behold, OCD. 

important info:   
my mom died prematurely at 49 completely unexpectedly in 2025. now my ocds theme is unexpected death (which has never been a theme for me before). which has made me paranoid and anxious to put lightly. i keep thinking im next. when i was first grieving i kinda went through this but the center was family members. like which family member is next, now, its me. looking behind me, checking my car, checking my heart rate, what if this bump is cancer, what if this anxiety is actually a heart issue, what if im currently dying and i don’t know it, what if i eat something bad or have an allergic reaction, car accident? bloody murder? fuck. i’m tired of being on high alert. 

the compulsions are to read stories about death or watch the actual videos of people dying. i hate it. i really do hate it. it brings me no joy. it makes my anxiety worse. i’ll read stories on here about grief, suicide, cancer and the worst it’s gotten is me watching videos on instagram of people dying. carjackings, shootings, car accidents, work accidents, cartel videos, you name it. i don’t know why i keep going back. my support group says my ocd is basically trying to desensitize me on purpose. it’s because if i can desensitize myself than i can get through it. but it only ends up making it worse. FUCKING OBVIOUSLY? but i’m still a slave to my compulsions. 

my brain will say “well atleast my mom didn’t go through that” as a reassurance for the intrusive thoughts about my mom and then it turns into a hideous cycle of… “well wait… it could still happen to me” 

i know i need to stop watching the videos. that’s a no brainer. i guess it’s how do i find the strength to stop giving into the compulsion? 

it’s usually when im bored or don’t have enough stimulation. i’m scared of being bored. like a lot. when i feel nothing, that’s when it comes down. there has been so many times in my life where i have finally decided to just let go and stop being so fucking anxious and uptight and letting my mind control me and then fucking bam something catastrophic happens. ex: finding my moms dead body. that’s just the worst example. i’m a whole ass fucking mess. 

therapy will be secured shortly i just need anything to get through the day :( 

[tw] sensitive topics!!!