Feeling around in the dark

So this is my first post on here. I've been a longtime lurker. I really need to just kind of speak into the ether how I'm feeling- kind of to hold myself accountable, but also to find some sense of community. I have struggled with drinking and substance use pretty heavily over the past maybe 6 years. I work in bars and restaurants so it comes with the territory. I have had periods of sobriety that have lasted months, but once I start negotiating with myself, I always go back. Once I start drinking, so come the extra curriculars. I think I surround myself with people who keep it so normalized that I can convince myself it's not ruining my life. I know its a cliche, but I feel that my addiction has sapped me of all of my creativity and passion. I never wanted to work in restaurants forever, but I feel stuck given my situation. I manage to keep a job and my bills paid, just barely. I am trying to really dive into sobriety head on. How did you feel when you first started your sobriety journey? Is it normal to feel lost and despondent? I feel completely isolated right now. I also don't know when the right time to go to a meeting is? It feels very intimidating. For context I live in NYC so it's not difficult to find a meeting, but it does make it difficult to know where to start. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.