I (23f) want to go inpatient, but I can’t… (vent)

mentions of self harm.

im not okay, at all. im pretty fucked in the head. i have an appointment with my psych next tuesday (the fastest they could get me in) to discuss med changes that may be needed. but its been months of this dread.

work has been intolerable. impossible expectations and impossible deadlines. im 23 and my hair is thinning like crazy and falling out in clumps. i am constantly itchy from stress. why the FUCK am i stressing about fucking KPIs and targets??? who the fuck am i??? when i get home, i smoke, and stare at my phone screen for hours. my parents are getting divorced and they’re both treating me like their personal therapist. if i dont, my mom gets mad, guilts me, and tells me i dont love her. my dad, he drinks. and is angry.

i want to go get committed. i am scared of how much more i can take before breaking. im already back to hitting myself in the head or my legs. i stare at my scars, thinking about the worst.

i can’t afford it. i could get FMLA sure but thats unpaid. my sick and pto are in the negatives right now. if i miss a day of pay, im fucked. i have a shut off notice (and the bill is in my dads name, so i cant apply for support unless he does) im a single income, and i would lose my house if i went without pay for a period of time. who knows how long they would keep me? it might not be that long but fuck just a week would put me deeper in giant debt, that im already in thousands of.

i feel embarrassed to even admit any of this. i feel so weak. so pathetic. i am just disgusted with myself most days, neglecting basic hygiene because i can’t get out of bed.

this is something i would normally keep in my notes app, but i just feel so alone. no one understands me. i dont think i understand myself anymore. i dont know who or what ive become.

i’ll get help, just not today. ill see my psych on tuesday.