my mental health poem thank you to Livid-Amphibian for inspiring me to share

please do not share or repost without credit to me this poem is very personal to me and I would not like my poetry to be stolen or anything

Elude Mu

elude mu
To me and my consciousness

Im sorry because;
The anxiety's big and I'm small 
The urges were strong and I was weak
The depressions heavy and the light was dim
I tried to see but lost the fight within 
Suffocated on my conscience
Why are you so hurtful to me 
When you cut me I just bleed
Its not enough why cant you see

If i slit my wrist tonight will it suffice
When thats not enough whats next
You want my death but were trapped here
I wish i could go with you but I have things to do 
Things i dont want to do but thats the way things are
Things I have to do cus thats who we are no mater if we want to
Your purpose is to help everyone like the most compassionate star
Here we are selfish one your job here it isnt done

They want and need you to get stronger 
But the nights i cant sleep i stay up longer
The fatiguege closes my eyes blind I cant see
Were you even fighting 
If it hurts good thats your worth
Exactly what you deserve
For all the wrongs youve ever done
Everything youve failed to act on
The selfish wish to leave
For your desire to escape by the pain of bleeding
The only thing leaving is the only bit of good 
Its no longer where it should be 
Oh shut up
Woe is me woe is me 
Die just be silent 
God i cant breath
God can you hear me 
I feel like im drifting away from you to

Drifting from everything 
Wishing I wasn't here
Because its all to big 
The sounds to loud im to weak for the urges that are so strong
They beat me and make me beg to be 6ft underground 
Armys of intrusive thoughts im surrounded 

ll call reinforcements 
But wait
Everyone around me is proven as fake
Fake genuine except one 
but if they turn against me ill have no where to run
You all want somthing out of me 
Or want nothing out of me 
We can hate again
I hate me
I hate you to
Beacuse he tried went to take again
And almost took the rest I had
I almost hate my dad to ,do you know half the abuse my uncle put me through
You threw me you tried to take more 
your hands were only put to a stop because you left the open door 
I was saved from worse but it still hurts you took 
Cant stand the color of your eyes I HATE THE WAY THEY LOOK
I HATE the smell of alcohol that was in your breath
You were supposed to be under arrest 
But my mother failed to serve and lied with her words
Karma comes around you see
Not deserved but its served
You tried to take again
The wolf strikes twice
No matter how big your bite its never enough
The world is tuff 
And me,im stuck

Just fuck this
Just fuck me
Somtimes I wish i didnt have the privlidge to be or breathe 
Not beacuse im lazy but im fatigued but so many people have it worse
Sometimes living feels like a curse 
Living this way 
If i killed myself would it all be the same to go through hell once more
Heavans gates will cloose thier doors 
Stuck in this realm with anxiety severe
And depression ressesions 
More episosdes more shifitng moods 
feelings I cant elude
mu