Instant soup and chicken nuggets 

*Don't mind my sodium intake*

My apologies for any grammatical errors and the wall of text.

I'm the youngest of 3 (Jake 31, Thomas 29, and me 23)

Ever since i was little, i was very independent, i would serve my own plate most of the times, pack my own lunch for school, and later cook my own meals etc.

The adults in my life always worked, so when we were young, we would fend for ourselves most of the time, Thomas and me used to go to school together, but it was my responsibility to make sure he woke up and got dressed, at the time my mom was living in another city, taking care of Jake as he was in college (until this day i don't know why she moved with him) so we lived with my grandparents, who went to work really early and fought every day, I witnessed countless instances of domestic violence living with them.

I used to get really anxious, because as an angsty teen, Thomas would not listen to me and he would not get up, so we would usually be late for school and get written up. 2 years before Thomas graduated, Jake dropped out of college, and came to live with us, but my mom stayed in the city until Thomas graduated.

My school life was not the best, i struggled a lot with math, i didn't have many friends, kids would say stuff to me because i was tall and fat. Plus, my mom would be very strict with my grades, wich weren't bad, but they were never enough for her, in comparison, my brothers did awful at school, horrible grades and would miss classes a lot, but didn’t get told anything.

Once high school began, things got better for us, we moved to our own place, my mom, Jake and me. My mom still worked a lot, and Jake started going to college in our city, so i would arrive when there was no one at the house.

I was expected to prepare food for me and my brother, clean up after ourselves, do the dishes, sweep and dust the furniture. What was my brother expected to do? Nothing, absolutely nothing, and what happened when I didn't do the stuff my mom would ask me? I would get back handed comments, told that no one did nothing for the house, and get silent treatment.

When the pandemic hit, Thomas came home, didn't get his degree and started working from home, i had online school, my mom kept working, and Jake joined her, my duties were the same, cook, clean, feed my brother, Thomas wouldn't even serve his own plate, so i had to, if i refused he would tell me i didn't bring money for the house so i should stop being useless and do what i was told.

When i was almost out of high-school, i wanted to study graphic design, but my mom would tell me i would starve and i would never get a job, the lockdown plus the less than encouraging words from my mom made me fell into depression. I saw no point on keep living, and my days were worse when my mom would scold me on my grades, wich were still good, better than average, but still not enough for her. All i kept thinking was why she would ask so much of me.

Things got so bad they sent me to see a psychologist, she helped me a lot, when my treatment was almost done, she had my mom come in and asked her why did she put responsibilities on me and not my brothers, she said something like "it's just the habit, I'll try to do better" and she did, for the rest of that year, i felt somewhat like an equal, not because she would ask my brothers to do stuff, but because she just wouldn't ask me, and did the things herself.

After that year, i went to university, i got into the best university in my country, so i had to move, that time was bliss, I had an apartment for myself and every time i went back to my hometown, they would treat me like a queen because they didn't get to see me that often, but once my classes would end and i came back for vacation, it all came back, i was once more a slave to my brothers, who did no wrong, plus my grandma would come everyday to our house and just like my mom, would show clear preference for Thomas, his beloved grandson. Now that Thomas moved out again, to another city, she doesn't come that often, plus she doesn't have a car anymore.

College was my great escape, but now that I'm finishing and I'm spending most of my time in my hometown, everything is going back as it was, I'm expected to do all the chores, i don't want to fight with my mom, getting the silent treatment from a 50 something year old woman is not something i wanna deal with right now. So i just stick to cleaning my dishes, cleaning after myself, and bitting my tongue everytime Jake brings a mountain of dirty dishes and trash from his room, leaves them in the kitchen sink, and it's not being told anything. 

The other day i went to the supermarket to buy something tasty for myself, later my mom asked if i had bought something for my brother, i said no, she ignored me the rest of the evening. My brother has the habit of ordering take out a lot, but he only buys things for himself, and of course, he gets told nothing.

I'm tired of this dinamic, tired of feeling guilty for thinking maybe im just lazy because i don't want to do stuff for my brother. Witnessing Jake be a lazy piece of shit, and an asshole and not being told anything.

I'm sure if i was born a man it would be different, and that makes me sad because i like who i am.

My mom is why i resent my brothers