ED recovery advice: skinny mindset to gym girly

Hello! I’m looking for some advice about ED recovery and building a healthier relationship with the gym.

I have a long history of anorexia and recovery. I started my first recovery about 3 years ago, which was also around the time I started going to the gym more regularly. Over time, I managed to develop a pretty healthy mindset around exercise. I enjoy lifting, getting stronger and progressively overloading, and I don’t really see the gym as a way to punish myself anymore. However, when it comes to my physique, I never really got to the point I wanted to. Even after years of heavy lifting and progressive overload, I still feel like I’m kind of “skinny fat” and never managed to build as much muscle as I hoped. Unfortunately, I’ve recently relapsed with my ED, and a lot of the muscle I had managed to build has basically disappeared. So now I know that my priority needs to be recovery again, but at the same time, I really want to eventually build muscle properly and become stronger....basically become one of those gym girlies lol. The last time I went through recovery, I worked with a nutritionist. This time, I’m wondering whether it would also be worth investing in a fitness coach once I’m in a place where training is appropriate. I see so many stories on TikTok and Instagram of girls who recovered from their EDs and are now really strong, muscular and confident in the gym. And honestly, it makes me wonder: what am I doing wrong? Is it actually possible to get there without doing something wrong or triggering the ED again? I guess I’m mostly wondering how people managed to make that transition from the “skinny” mindset to genuinely wanting to get stronger and build muscle, while still keeping recovery as the priority. Did you work with a coach? A nutritionist? Both? Or did you manage to figure it out on your own?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have actually gone through something similar