My sister (32F) is working herself ragged while her depressed husband is secretly unemployed again. She asked me to help them clean, but should I (29F) give a reality check or stay out of it?

TLDR at bottom.

My older sister "Belle" (32) has been with her husband "Bo" (34) for three years now. I (29F) will begin by saying that I love them dearly. My sister is my best friend and by living with her as an adult I learned how to better communicate my emotions and have grace for myself. We lived together while both having mental health struggles and were really there for each other. I also love Bo. He looks and talks about my sister like she hung the moon and has never said a harsh word to her. He is also a mechanic and has saved me from two flat tires and came to get me when I got in a car accident.

Belle and I began living together in our early 20's. She was not able to afford to move out on her own. I made more money than her and offered to pay %75 of the bills and she would pay 25% proportional to our differences in income. However she had a spending issue. I would offten cover her or loan her money. I would try teach her how to balance her finances. She never asked for money but I couldn't let her suffer. A short list of financial responsibilities I took on (paid for pet cremation, funded our move across country, paid for couch, activities etc) in the past 10 years I have probably taken the responsibility for $10,000 worth of finances that should have been split in half. She also has past SA trauma, middle child syndrome in the way that our parents did not take her problems seriously and overlooked her. She is otherwise an incredibly selfless person, often would rather make herself small than let someone know she is upset with them.

Bo is divorced and has a daughter. Bo's mother has custody because Bo had gotten into a fight with his step father and Bo's ex abandoned them. Presently He and his stepfather are on good terms and the court is trying to mediate custody for Bo and the Ex. Today his daughter is still in the custody of his mother. Belle and Bo get daughter on weekends.

When they met her and I were working at a grocery store and he was unemployed but semi door dashing for extra cash. Bo was living in a family home with three roommates, were the rent was minimal and they just paid utilities. But the house was dilapidated. (Cockroaches, toilet that didn't flush, dishes piled high, borderline condemned looking)

He spent the night at our place once and never left. He basically lived with us for 6 months, paid no rent, took out the garbage sometimes, but barely contributed to groceries. He was mostly in our living room playing video games. The plan was that when our lease was up we would go live at his home, the roommates would move out, we would fixed up the home. I was about to start cosmetology school so it was really my only option for my budget.

During the last month of living in our apartment Belle was in a financial pickle again. She said she was embarrassed and tired of receiving help from others because she couldn't get it together. I told her that I would loan her money this last time but we would creat a payment plan for her to pay me back $400 and we would call us even. Would would be paying minimal rent so she would be able to easily pay me back.

Once we moved to the home we made it more livable but it still was depressing. Bo still sat on the couch playing video games, didnt cook, sometimes took out the trash, but sometimes doordashed. Belle would push back the date to begin paying me back several times for various reasons and each time I gave no issue and was understanding. We also had lots of animals in this house. 5 cats, 2 birds, and a bearded dragon. The birds were mine and I cared for them in my room, while they took care of the other pets. They would also foster cats. One of the cats got sick due to Belle and Bo failing to keep up with the cleaning. They could not afford the vet care. I offered to get a care credit card since my sister was already in debt.

I made an amazing friend at school and when I explained to her the cat situation, I realized that getting the credit card would be a horrible idea. After seeing the home, my friend offered to let me live with her for affordable rent. I didn't feel I could take such a generous offer. I took my sister for a drive, telling her we needed to talk. I told her that I would not be paying for the vet care and that she needed to begin paying me back. She was very hurt at first, but understood and told me I should go live with my friend so I could be closer to work and school and have my own life.

I moved out and life was great for me. Bo then began working again as a mechanic and made really good money. Belle was able to begin paying off her debt. However, she resented me and thought of me as heartless for the sake of the cat. My dad ended up paying for the vet care. My dad also tried to get me to forgive the debt because we're family and we shouldn't be money focused. I yelled at him for the fist time in my life explaining all I had done for her and that if I was money focused I would be asking for $5,000. I only asked for $400 because she was wanting to stop relying on others and I realized I had enabled her. Even though she never asked me for money, she knew I would be there to rely on. I was heartbroken. We ended up working it out at she paid for my car insurance $75 for three months and could not afford to do the fourth. Exhausted, I called it even.

Over the next 2 years I was dating, moved out my friends house, got married to an amazing man, graduated cosmetology school and my dreams began to come true. While Belle and Bo have remained in the same spot. He has worked on and off, got his own debt. Belle has mostly paid off her debt but jumped to different jobs.

My Dad has also helped them as a handy man and done a lot of yard work. My sister is strained from my parents. They love Belle and Bo but are fed up with their situation. At the start of the relationship my parent showered Bo with gifts and came over frequently. But after all this time, they don't want their daughter living in this state. My mother is very resentful of Bo believing he is a narcissist and that my sister treats him like a king. Belle feels as though my parents have unrealistic expectations and that Bo is in need of help and has struggling mental health. Belle also feels that my parents don't want to help them and care more about helping our other siblings financially.

Belle has reached out to me 2 times in the last two years for a money. I said yes the first time $25, she never paid me back. I said no the second time $50. My husband basically told me that he wouldnt tell me to not give money but to only ever give enough that I am comfortable not being repayed. There have been a few other times when I feel take advantage/disregarded. They had another pet pass away because it ate something it wasnt supposed to, are still fostering animals and have 7 cats now, plus the 2 they foster.

Bo has been unemployed for 5 months due to depression, while my sister is the breadwinner and housekeeper. He has been spending more time with his daughter and helping his family. He is going to fix my car but I ordered the parts and hes only asking for $75 becuase it will take a few hours. My Dad paid him $400 to fix his car. My parents don't know he is unemployed again.

Yesterday she called me and told me that her and Bo needed me to come over to help clean. They are in a mental rut and are behind on mowing the lawn dishes etc. She said that i will help her inside and he will work on the outside. She said im the only one she can reach out to without judgment. I said I would come over.

All of this background to say I feel horrible. I love them both but feel bad about wanting to give them a reality check. I feel bad for the animals. They are both insecure and self deprecating. However, I don't want to give my opinions and judgments when they arent being asked for. I am living my own life we are all adults. I also understand they are both struggling mentally. My sister thinks so highly of me and is so appreciative. She says that I can say anything that I feel because she knows my intentions are good. But after seeing how she reacted when the credit card situation happened I don't know what to do.

My husband is at basic training so I cant talk to him about it because I don't have an address to send him letters yet. My best friend is very protective of me and has little sympathy for my sister. I know my family and I have played our part in enabling this situation. I don't want to hurt them but im worried and concerned. Do I leave things the way they are and just help as much as is reasonable or do I have a conversation with her about my concerns. My mind says 's not my business but my heart says "that's your sister."

**TL;DR:** My sister (32F) and her husband (34M) have a long history of financial struggles, mental health issues, and relying on family support. Over the past 10 years, I (29F) have given her thousands of dollars, which ultimately enabled her bad spending habits and built up my own resentment. After years of the same cycle, her husband has been unemployed for 5 months due to depression, and my sister is working herself ragged. She just asked me to come over to help them deep clean because they are in a "mental rut." I love them and want to support her, but I am torn between keeping my mouth shut to avoid a blowout, or giving her a much-needed reality check. How do I help her clean without enabling her or letting my frustration show?