6 months since my dad died, 7 months since my dog died

Has anyone seen the series with Ricky Gervais, After life? The bench scene when he talks with the lady. I feel like that, I literally feel like I just CANNOT be happy anymore. Grief consumes me, it strangles me. I feel like there is absolutely no point of living and it will never ever get better. I had a bad relationship with my dad the past few years and he died with us not seeing each other for the past 2.5 years. He was very sick and the sickness just made him really mean and he said a ton of stuff the last two times we met that nobody deserves, let alone your own son. I was so destroyed during our last meet that I had to go out to get drunk, because of the sadness.

But some part of me deep down still says that I could have and should have been there for him despite everything, to be the better person. Now I will never have the opportunity to talk to him, to ask him stuff, ask him why he hated me despite all the things I did for him.

My dog that I love more than life itself also died suddenly back in February. He was only 8.5 years old.

I have to continue because of my family I just don’t know how. I don’t want to die or harm myself but on the other hand it would be so nice to fall asleep and not wake up in the morning.