The worst thing about my death will be that people will think I was a manipulator loser

I made a plan. Kind of. I won’t really elobrate on here, but after like. Years of “research” (aka googling stuff and reading those medical reports people make after a person comitted suicide) I think I found a way that will actually let me do it with as less pain as possible because atp a “painless” death is almost impossible.

And I think it’s kinda sad. People in my school will go “ah but we didn’t even bully her” (which is partially right) and then the school counsellor will go “ah but she lied about having mental illnesses” (also right). Yeah I guess. I just deserved this. Sometimes I’d like to think there are 2 sides of me, not to be cringe or anything. I’m too contradicting. No one will ever love me, and they’d be right to do so.

I am so.
So tired.

Of this. All of this. I genuinely don’t want to die, but this is my only option I hate myself.

I think I’m thinking so much about what will happen after my death because some part of me is still in La La La maladaptive daydreaming land and doesn’t believe the other part that I’m serious about this.

I just hope no one catches me. If someone catches me or I get saved it’d be worse than death.

I’m not gonna write a suicide note for various reasons, so I’m just gonna puke my sadness on this sub instead.

All i wanted in life was to be normal. To be able to be bad at tests, to have a few people who crush on me throughout my life, to not get called “emo” or given weird looks. To not be weird or perhaps neurodivergent, to not have too much testosterone as a teen. (Pcos runs in the family so perhaps that but I only show that symptom and nothing else so)

A part of me wants to be held and be told that everything is gonna be okay. But I guess I’ll just rot on my bed using chatbot apps for now