Does anyone else feel like instead of becoming more confident or “coming into your power” or whatever you actually are becoming smaller, more timid and anxious? Like completely worn out by capatilism?

I feel like 15 years ago Gen X was out there hitting midlife and talking about how much more confident they felt, how much happier they were.They were doing roller derby, Crossfit, etc. and taking care of their health. I was so excited to get older and saw that as the “new model” for middle age and fully expected myself to become more confident over time as I settled into parenthood, my career, and tried to join my siblings as grown ups (I’m the youngest by quite a bit.)

None of that seemed to really happen? Like, I went through a little bit of a Girlboss phase in the mid-2010s and was making all kinds of crazy progress everywhere - I was promoted to a Director at work at 31, had a kid, sat on a city council in my town, had a side hustle, had all these creative hobbies. Then Covid hit and my world suddenly became just work, parenting a 3 year old, and trying to keep us all healthy and the pantry stocked with food and not lose my job after my husband lost his. I was told over and over again at work I was doing enough (in April of 2020…) I was having constant panic attacks and crying jags

I quit that job when I couldn’t take it anymore, took a job that was way too junior for me 6 months later that I stayed in for a year while doing the bare minimum and being severely depressed. I left it for another Director level job but became overwhelmed by how badly organized the role was and quit after 2 months after they asked me to do multiple things that were illegal that I could have personally been held accountable for. Then I worked a job completely out of my industry for another year and finally got back into my industry at an appropriate level and have been at my current role for a little over 3 years but I also experienced some work trauma here in my first year as well - turned out the role had been a revolving door due to my boss’s behavior.

It’s been 6 years since I last felt like a capable, confident person. That’s with the last 2 years spent in therapy and I’m still not back to where I was in 2019 before everything fell apart. I’m awkward as a parent around other parents, I have zero presence in a conference room, I’m just trying to get through every day as best I can without spiking my cortisol levels. People used to commend me on my ability to communicate and lead. I used to love to get up and give presentations and now I hate to even answer a question in front of 5 other people because I’ve experienced so much backlash in having my words twisted or misunderstood. Instead of feeling confident and capable of leading a team, I feel like I’m going backwards and I have the confidence of an intern or someone entry level in my field.

Sorry for turning this into a livejournal post but I’m just curious if anyone else feels like this or has felt like this and if you’ve figured out how to address it.