For the Overgivers Out There Like Me

We were raised to put others first always, right? To be courteous and respectful. To wait patiently.

All good traits.

But there's a problem. Not everyone plays by these rules and not everyone is fair.

It feels like those of us with high empathy and self sacrifice are the minority. For every giver in society there must be at least 10 takers.

So it's easy to get burned out. Exhausted.

I had a dream that demonstrated this perfectly, my subconscious was trying to send me a message: STOP

I had been used repeatedly in my relationships. Be it friend, or business, or romantic...

I kept getting used.

It was extremely frustrating.

I would date/talk to some avoidant guy.

"Hey, you're a really good listener. I feel really safe witn you."

Me: thanks 😊

I liked being helpful.

But i quickly saw a pattern emerge.

Avoidants would text or call to vent, to get comfort, maybe some laughter or entertainment...

And then they would just...leave.

It was a cycle.

I was giving my best...and they were just taking it.

So back to the dream.

In the dream I had a mansion (that represented me). It was beautiful and big. But near a very busy, remote highway.

And people kept coming to my home broken, bleeding hungry. And I let them in.

Me: Sure! Help yourself. You're welcome to stay and recover. I would supply them with whatever they needed.

But soon the house was flooded with people.

And they were breaking things and stealing from me. I asked them to leave a n d they laughed at me. I had 0 authority over my own house.

I was mad and frustrated. My sister's came to visit and my niece had a cut on her knee. All she needed was a band aid. But I couldn't find my first aid kit. I was informed an ex took it.

I was heartbroken. Here I was helping all these strangers and I couldn't even supply my niece with a single band aid?

I watched my sister pull one from her purse and patch her up. And I was ashamed I couldn't do it myself in my own home.

And then things escalated.

A car crashed onto my lawn and a man was carried toward my house with the expectation I care for him and heal him.

But his injuries were too extensive. Prortuding, broken bones...brain trauma...

"No!"

I yelled. "I cannot take care of this man! EVERYONE OUT!"

I had, had enough. I reclaimed my home, my autonomy. And I realized that giving my best to avoidant men was costing me. Hurting me. Depleting me.

They kept taking and I kept losing.

I learned I am not an avoidant's hospital or urgent care. Its not my job to give them comfort and care when they aren't even gonna change.

They will just keep bleeding on everyone until they heal.

So my message is simple.

If you are a giver, guard your gift. Not everyone deserves it. And sometimes giving to the wrong people can cost you more than you know.