She Was My Person Once

She has been my best friend since grade five. She was the first person I automatically wanted to tell things to. The person I could argue with for hours over absolutely nothing.The person I always expected to be there. She brought up dating at the beginning of eighth grade, as a joke. "Let's start dating, and I'll even do all your homework"(she used to hate homework and always copied hers off mine). I told her, "You don't even do your own. Start doing it by yourself, and maybe I'll think about it", and we laughed it off.
Then COVID happened. She started dating someone online from some other school, and we were back to how it was before.
Then, when school resumed in ninth grade, she told me that the girl ended the relationship out of nowhere, and I was always the one comforting her. Eventually, that comfort turned into her always wanting to hold my hands in secret under the table during class, caressing the back of my hands, running her hands through my hair, and laying her head down right next to mine on the table during recess, eventually kissing me over the mask (Lockdown had just lifted: it was mandatory to wear one all the time except lunch).
The entire class knew she liked me, and I didn't mind it either cause at that time I had started to have a thing for her too.
Any time our classmates would say, "Oh, you two make a cute couple. Are you dating?" she would be like ", Don't say things like that. We aren't even dating. She only dates people who do their homework themselves" (Referring to her confession back in eighth grade to dismiss the topic as a joke)
Later at the end of the year, she told me about some other girl sending her a request on her Insta and them staying up till midnight to talk. I was furious but fine. We weren't dating or anything, at least according to her.
Then, out of nowhere, just before the finals, she tells me she's dating this girl. I withdrew completely. No more touching or even sitting next to her. She used to try, but I would just swat her hands off.
This went on for like a week, and later she completely broke down after class, started sobbing and got on her knees holding onto my hands, asking why I was ignoring her. I said, "She has a girlfriend now. She can't just go back to how things were before." Her exact words: "Why do you have a problem? She doesn't have to know. My girlfriend does this stuff with her best friend too"
HELL NO!! But I couldn't just let her cry on the floor either. Made her stand up and told her not to touch me at all. Eventually she agreed.
She was still with that girlfriend, but she kept flirting with me and her ex from time to time. And went back to sitting next to me and still tried to hold my hands every time she had an opportunity to.
Later, she told me that the girlfriend ended things with her eventually over that same said best friend she used to "do" things with.
And things went back like before, but times ten. Our boundaries became increasingly blurred, and I let things happen without really knowing what I wanted or what we were at that time. It went from innocent holding hands under tables to caressing my thighs at the last bench during lectures, making me put my legs on top of hers, to caressing my chest while doing homework after class. By that time, I didn't know if it was the familiarity or if some part of me still wanted the attention I was getting for the first time. I didn't want her to stop her either: just let her. Just let things be as they are while she was actively flirting with her ex and some other girls in our class, and while doing those things with me in private.
While this was happening, there was this other girl who used to always pick on me and bully me. Tried to make me feel isolated during lunch by spreading false rumours about me.Making it sound like I was talking bad about my close friends behind their backs. And I told my best friend about this repeatedly; she said she confronted her. And she later said that the girl denied doing all that, and she advised me to let things go for a while and to tell her if that girl ever does things like that again, and she'll take care of it.
My dad passed away later that year. I was completely broken. Isolated myself completely from everyone. Stopped attending school for months. Apparently, no one at the school knew about his passing except a few teachers. Stopped texting everyone cause I have a very bad habit of shutting off completely when I'm hurting.
A week later, she messaged me, "I'm going out to the movies with some friends. You wanna join?"
I messaged, " I'm at my dad's funeral. I'll message back later"(I thought everyone at the school knew)
And she said something like, "Dad or grandpa? Who died? What are you talking about? Tell me, I wanna be there for you"
And no follow-up questions after that.
Eventually, I returned to school. When I returned, I had heard something about her dating a classmate, but I couldn't care less about that then.
Finally, after months, when I checked Insta, what do I see? Post after post about her and the same girl who used to bully me hanging out together, calling her "her girlie".It turns out she was dating the best friend of the same girl who used to pick on me while I was hurting alone.
I couldn't even believe she would ever do something like this when she knew what "her girlie" had done before. She was supposed to be my friend, reach out to me after what I said, and actually be there for me. Not whatever this was!
I blocked her completely in a fit of jealousy and anger. On every social media platform, in person.Went off contact completely.
Finally started making new friends that year. Ones who actually show up and listen to me.
Year twelve was peaceful. I had few friends. I hadn't told anyone about my dad's death besides a few close ones. I have finally found my people, and they are the sweetest. They actually cried when I told them I went through all of this alone.
And after that year, I was finally back to my old self. Still hurting, but not broken like before.
Finally, for my peace and some encouragement from my friends, I unblocked her and decided to talk it out cause after all, we have been friends since we were eleven, and I wanted some or any form of closure.
And the minute I unblocked we fought immediately about her hanging out with the girl who used to pick on me, and she responded that "I wasn't there for her and she didn't have anyone else."
ANYONE ELSE?
I WAS ALONE GRIEVING AT THE FUNERAL WHILE SHE WAS OUT THERE WATCHING A MOVIE WITH THE SAME PERSON SHE SAID WOULD PROTECT ME FROM, AND THAT WAS THE GIRL SHE DECIDED TO BEFRIEND FROM THE ENTIRE SCHOOL!! AND DATING HER BEST FRIEND!
Later, I got to know that she and the bully weren't friends anymore for some unknown reason. And she apologized half heartedly like, "Fine, I'm sorry. Our friendship is worth more than my ego. Let's not fight anymore"
Told her again about my dad's death and finally had a decent enough conversation.
We are still friends, but never like before. She looks happy with her girlfriend. Keeps posting her everywhere like she's the prettiest girl to walk this earth. I don't know much about her girlfriend since we've never had a conversation before.
But part of me still wonders, even after two years of them being together, if things would have been different if I had reached out to her again instead of disappearing for months and clarified things instead of isolating myself.If I had the guts to confess instead of just quietly letting her hold me in secret back then.What if I had been brave enough to ask her what we actually were?
I still miss those late-night conversations and us pretending to fight for silly reasons for hours. Tickling her stomach till she begged me to stop while squirming, trying not to laugh too loud during maths class. Sneaking snacks in class during lecture, her always getting caught while I used to get off every time. Us getting kicked out for laughing too loud during computer class. Stories about her and her cousins doing silly stuff.Watching videos of her little golden retriever puppy spinning in circles.
(Just wanted to get it out somewhere💕)