I wish I was pretty

Today was our picture day where we had to take our photos for graduation. I booked a professional hair and makeup artist because I wanted to feel a bit decent at least for the day. I went to the venue and the stylists greeted me welcome so I felt at ease when we started. Everything went smoothly till this next client came and sat beside me.

They were all showering her with compliments and tried to make conversation with her all throughout the session. They barely even asked me questions or said anything. I just felt like they wanted the job to be done. I also noticed the one who was doing my hair left mine unfinished to cater the other girl first. Again, I didn’t mind cause I wasn’t in a rush anyways.

All throughout the process, the girl beside me was complimented for looking gorgeous and beautiful. I just listened to them cause nobody said anything to me. I was just a bit sad cause even though I was the first one who arrived and had started, they prioritized her and she ended up finishing ahead of me. I agree though, she was gorgeous!

Then I heard the stylists make a joke that if they were gonna post your photos on their public social media portfolios, that meant that you were indeed pretty. But if you weren’t posted, then you know (they implied you weren’t attractive enough) They were laughing and I could only listen to them as I felt a knot form in my stomach. I had a feeling they could be referring to me cause there were only 2 of us clients at that time.

So when the whole process was finished, the stylists began taking our photos. The other girl was such a natural on camera and photogenic that the stylists adored taking lots of photos and videos of her. They were so excited and said that they were gonna post it right away cause of how pretty she was.

When it was my turn, it was a bit awkward cause I’m not photogenic and beautiful. I did my best to smile and pose but they were all silent and rushed to take my photos. In the end, they never posted mine, and they never even bothered to respond to the thank you message I sent. When I left, they didn’t even say goodbye so I felt really defeated☹️

I was supposed to meet my friends and classmates that same day to hangout, but instead I just went home after the shoot. I removed my makeup and cried myself to sleep wishing I was pretty to be treated better by people.

I grew up constantly being told by family members that my nose was flat and wide and that I was also fat. It directly impacted my self esteem as a child that I became shy, reserved, and just wanted to be in the shadows instead of the one being in the spotlight.

Now as an adult, I still carry that wound with me. I always stay at the back of group photos, I don’t take that much photos of myself, I’m always the one behind the camera, I don’t post on social media and just stay at home instead of going out with friends. All because I hate the way I look and I accept that I am unattractive for this society.