We both work full time. I still plan meals, bills, and appointments. How do I split the mental load without it turning into a scorecard fight?

I’m 24F, husband is 26M. Together 4 years, married 2.

We both work similar hours. On paper chores are “shared.” In practice I am the one who notices the milk is gone, books the car service, tracks when rent hits, and remembers his sister’s birthday. He will do a task if I hand it to him. He does not pick the task up on his own.

I tried a list on the fridge. He did the list and then waited. I tried asking in the moment and I sound like a manager. Last night I asked him to own groceries for the month — list, store, putting it away. He said I was making a big deal out of nothing because he “helps when you ask.”

I am not looking for a pie chart of who vacuumed. I am looking for him to carry a lane so I am not the household brain.

What I need advice on: How have you handed a whole category to a spouse (not a one-off chore) and made the follow-through stick without nagging all month?

tl;dr: 24F/26M, married 2 years, both work. I still run the household in my head. I need a way to transfer a full category to him that doesn’t die after a week.