My mother is a pathological liar and keeps completely changing the story around her and my father's divorce (usually co-opts story's she's read online and rejigs them into whatever makes her seem victimized). Literally one of those people who makes her entire life about being the victim. It's what she lives for. Every situation she has to come up with some way to make herself the victim as much as possible whether it's true or not. Besides the point, anyway:

I very clearly remember displaying signs of gender incongruence as a kid. I wanted to play with boys, insisted on pissing standing up, would scream and cry when she tried to parade me around in a dress etc. My mother in all her raving misandrist kamer tendencies however tried her very best to wring that out of me. You must understand that she hates hates hates hates hates men. She is a typical profile of one of those femcel types who centres her entire life around hate. I remember my entire childhood, literally all of my formative years all day long just constantly being told "You are a girl. You are lucky to be a girl and boys are horrible and ugly and stupid and horrible and horrible and horrible". She just right carved that shit into my skull. Like literally 24/7 my mother went out of her way to paint this picture of "all men + every thing male and man related = evil and horrible". The idea of being a boy was a fate worse than death to my mother and she drilled that shit into me as hard as she possible could at every given opportunity. She abused the living shit out of me in a myriad of other ways too and it was to the point where I was taken by the police and wound up in the hospital. Anyway, I don't live with her anymore. 

Side note: My mother was a disgraced fashion designer. She got kicked out of fashion design school. She always wanted to be a dress maker and was frustrated she couldn't achieve her dreams. So having me as her perfect little mannequin doll that she could use to show off her dresses was her only creative outlet. 

Fast forward a couple years and I've got unrestricted internet access and I'm going through my edgy tweenager phase. At this point I've been a perpetually self hating suicidal maniac all my life, I have no social life, I'm failing school etc. I get addicted to the constant unconditional love and validation algorithm of social media and tiktok introduces me to the concept of "gender dysphoria". Then follow the years of mind breaking reconsideration of all reality: I put words to my feelings and straighten out the fact that I've been experiencing gender dysphoria all my life and I commit the ultamite sin of trying to think of myself as male. I cut my hair and this causes my new step mother to lose her shit and throw me out of the house, I try to get access to puberty blockers but nobody is going to prescribe something like that to a homeless motherless foster child   
Etc. the rest is irrelevant. 

Fast forward to today and I haven't spoken to my mom in a few years, I'm trying to think how she in all her glory would react to the whole trans thing and I'm looking back on my childhood. 

And I'm thinking, right, holy fuck? She knew didn't she? Right because she fucking knew. Like she would force me to wear pink 24/7, I wasn't allowed to cut my hair until I was like 10 years old, she was always forcing me to pose for photos in dresses. I wasn't allowed to do 'boy things', like I was absolutely not allowed to play with cars or anything of the sort, wasn't allowed to play chess, wasn't allowed to do math, wasn't allowed to touch roblox because "boys play games like that... 😕😟☹️🙁..... girls don't 😢😢😢😢". I was only allowed to interact with girls, every male friend had to be my 'boyfriend' and every time I saw them I had to wear a pink fluffy dress and it had to be a 'date!'. I wasn't allowed to talk to my father. I wasn't allowed to have male mannerisms. I would get constant shit for 'acting wrong' 'girls don't act like that'. Every time I even hinted at thinking of myself as anything other than a girl girl she would get all cold and start treating me like I was something less than human. Masculinity was the ultamite sin and if I even dared to think in that sort of way I was unworthy of love etc. 

She fucking knew didn't she? That bitch knew 100%.   
She tried absolutely as hard as fucking possible to pound me into that female mold, even clearly to my detriment, and she knew full well what she was doing. 

And my mom likes to not-so-sleekly imply things. I'm damn certain that's what this email is. She somehow has caught wind of my transition and views it as just another custody battle with her ex. (even though I'm homeless currently I don't live with either of them). My dad was a pos onto his own also but that's irrelevant (and my mother has said much worse things to me than as mentioned in the email lmao I'm sure they both said some horrible shit during the divorce. My mother got half the assets in the divorce btw but likes to fufill her lifelong mission of being the victim all the time by larping as broke)

My mother liked to use me as her emotional incest doll essentially and part of that was trying to get as close to me as humanly possible, literally in my head, and part of that was we needed a common threat to be united against and for her to trauma bond to me with, which or course was her ex (my father). So when I was a kid it was always "us vs him", my mother and I together against my father. She hated that man more than you would think it humanly possible. They haven't spoken in 16 years though I don't think a day has gone by since where I haven't heard her somehow by some medium go off on a deranged rant about my father by some means. 

And even after all these years she just can't get that mentality out of her head. That's all this is ever going to be to her. That's all my life is ever going to be to her, a weapon between her and my father. My long coming lifesaving major change is just another fight with her ex. 

I've sorted out my shit, after years of being forcibly disfigured by estrogen/poison I've figured out what's wrong with me and how to not go about killing myself every day, and this is how she views it isn't it? It's just another her vs her ex. That's all anything is ever about with this woman. Her hatred of him. I don't think my mother's "love" for me will ever outperform her hatred of her ex. I don't know if she ever loved me anyway or if she just needed a doll to fill the devoided parts of her twisted soul. 

When I'm trying to get hormones these doctors always give me shit for not having a relationship with my mother (as if that causes gender dysphoria or something) and it's like you know  
I want a mother. I want to have a relationship with my mother more than anything. That's all I've ever wanted and wanted more than anything is a mother. But how in the fuck is this relationship supposed to work? What do I do with my mother? Everything I am to her is just a representation of her hatred. She will never and has never loved me for who I am, she loves me for who she wishes I was. It's been like that my whole life and it will never change. For like the millionth time I'm going to fucking end my shit. Yippee I am going to end my shit. Thinking about this woman and my life spent with her makes me want to just end my fucking shit. Being seen as a woman and seeing myself as a woman makes me want to just end my fuuuuucking shit. I don't even know how I would do that I don't have the balls to do it sober and I'm not even old enough where I live to get hammered and pass out in a freezing lake or some shit I'm barely even old enough that I have legal rights. I've just for the first time after years of begging been allowed an informed consent assessment. 

I'm sorry, I've been awake for like 24 hours and I've just rediscovered this subreddit for the first time in years. I've been picking through it all day and I think I'm getting mature enough to understand the insanity aspect now. I'm losing my fucking shit and I've found a bunch of other people saying the exact same things I've been saying about a lot of h tunings, this is life changing for me.  You guys are supposed to be "welcoming of talk of all aspects of transition" or some shit and you don't seem to dog on people for being "overly negative" or some shit. I'm losing m fucking shut and you all seem to be losing your shit as well so maybe my deranged rant fits here idk. Idk where else to put this. This is a long running thing, there's other bits of evidence than this little email. I'm not reaching I promise. This is just the most recent one I could manage to pull up. I am rambling I am not making sense I am sorry. 

Mercy. Mercy on my pathetic stunted little soul. Thank you. 

If you're reading this please just scroll and ignore this post if I wake up to 50 billion comments tomorrow I'm actually going to lose my shit for real don't do that to me please

Mama always knows