My wife and I moved to a new state after she and her abusive family parted ways. Being around the possibility of running into a relative at any moment was causing her severe anxiety and really tearing her apart. Then she got a job offer a state away, we found the perfect apartment, had enough savings, and decided to start over.

It’s been over two months of applying every day to every position I’m qualified for. I’m visibly disabled, so there are plenty of jobs I’m physically unable to do, but I only apply for ones where I know my disability shouldn’t affect my ability to work. I do great in phone interviews—I’m friendly, have plenty of experience, I’m almost finished with my degree, and I can usually make the interviewer laugh. They tell me how impressed they are with my experience. But once they see me walking differently and using a mobility aid, I can see the shift. They rush through the interview, and a few hours later I get an email saying they’re “looking for something different.”

I used to avoid using a mobility aid because I needed to work, and the jobs I could get at the time required me to be more physically capable. Though I'd be lyijg if I said this wasn't after a years long pattern of neglecting my body cues out of deep seated embarassment and avoiding treatment because there isn't much to be done outside of maybe getting some surgery when I am older that may or may not help me stay more mobile longer. I pushed my body too far and made things worse. Now I need my cane regularly (sometimes a wheelchair), I’m in significantly more pain, and I am currently unable to get refilled on medication because I no longer have insurance. My wife can’t add me to her insurance because it would triple her rates and we can't afford that.

I haven’t given up. I just hate that my disability is even a factor. My wife suggested I push for virtual interviews whenever possible, which I’m going to try. I’m incredibly fortunate to have someone so supportive, but I still feel like a failure as a man and a husband.

My dad was unemployed for months at a time and was an awful husband and father. I’ve spent my entire life trying to be nothing like him. I contribute around the house, but my disability limits how much I can do and how quickly I can do it. I know my wife understands that, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying that someday she’ll get tired of having to do more or take care of me.

She’s my family, my world, and my everything. I want her to have the best marriage and life possible, and sometimes it’s hard not to feel like I’m failing her when my body won’t let me do everything I want to. I've been reluctant to do the things we used to do when we first got together because now I will need to do it in a chair. And of course, people see me stand up and assume I am faking because they misunderstand how disabilities work. I feel like my wife shouldn't have to spend outings at the zoo or theme park bring yelled at because we use handicapped spots and I switch between what level of support I need.

I wish she had picked someone else sometimes. I'm not even sure I can give her kids because they would get all my problems way too early in their lives. I want her to be happy, and I know I can't make decisions for her out of fear, and I also love having her around. I feel like I don't deserve her, and I worry that if I can't do something as simple as being employed, maybe I don't.

Dinner was dumpling soup.

No job for two months, I am a failure of a husband, disibility rant where I try not to feel too sorry for myself