Feeling a bit panicked

First post… I’ve been married 18 years to a really wonderful man. We have 4 children together. We’ve not had a perfect marriage but by most standards we’ve had a really beautiful and meaningful life together. I’ve never “struggled” with my sexuality, as I’ve always identified as heterosexual, and have found men to be attractive. I dated some (men only) before getting married that I thought I was attracted to, maybe as I look back I was more attached to, regardless there was some kind of pull. While dating my husband I found him to be attractive, intelligent, great morals/character, incredible family, all the things. He saved his first kiss for wife/wedding day (yes we had our first kiss on our wedding day 😱). While we dated I didn’t feel attraction or desire towards him, but because of my faith I believed God would give me that eventually. Sadly, it never came. I spent the majority of our marriage silently crying to myself after we were sexually intimate even though he was a gentlemen and I would always have an orgasm. I felt like I was broken and that something was wrong with me. I prayed and begged God for years to heal me and help me. Well…a year ago I became good friends with another gal that came out of a same sex marriage because she was told she’d go to hell (it’s a really sad situation). During our friendship we became close and my body started doing all these things I didn’t even know could happen. It was shocking!!! I realized I wasn’t broken and that was a really beautiful thing for me. Fast forward - My friendship with her is on pause because I need to move forward in a healthy way and grieve. I am just starting the divorce process that my husband is actively against. I am so brokenhearted and so is he. But I can’t deny the 18 years of hidden pain and self hatred and this new understanding of my sexuality. I really need a friend that has or is walking through something similar. I feel so alone and I’m scared I’m ruining my life.