To my stalker

Tl;dr - I’m tired. You should take accountability, but you probably won’t. You should tell the truth before the police do it for you.

I don’t think you could begin to comprehend how exhausting this has been. We were together for just over 2 months. It started well, as all relationships tend to whilst you’re fawning over the idea of somebody. The intensity and control you displayed in that time was a huge red flag that I shouldn’t have ignored, but I did because neurodivergents love their dopamine. You go on incessantly about how you listened to me and followed all boundaries, “forgetting” that you overstepped every boundary I placed in front of you. I blocked you from every platform imaginable, so you would make new accounts, new numbers, send letters, send emails, attempt to send gifts, send messages and letters to my friends and family. What in my lack of response makes you think that it’s okay to continue to harass me? Did you think my family and friends weren’t aware of the stalking and harassment? That they’d reply to you fondly? They’ve seen (and heard) it all. What, are we just playing cat and mouse? I have over 300 screenshots that have been sent to the police, and you dare to claim you’re being harassed when given one response by a friend telling you to stop what you’re doing or this will become civil. One response.

Your reasoning behind this stalking? You just wanted to make sure I was “alright”. To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve been great other than the residual anxiety looming over me, wondering if you were going to turn up at my home, my work. Your behaviour resulted in me having panic attacks when I’d pull up to my house in case you were hiding around the corner, having ptsd symptoms return after years because the neighbour man was talking loudly and I thought it was you. You realise that the negatives in my life have all been related to the actions and decisions you made? You can paint yourself as a concerning ex all you like, but a true respectable, kind human would leave someone alone when they display boundaries. You didn’t care about me, you still don’t, or you wouldn’t use me as a source of fuel for you. You’re desperate for somebody, anybody, to fuel you. Without validation, you can’t figure out who you are, so you feed off others. You delve into your self deprecating woe-is-me autopilot, trying to control the narrative, trying to manipulate me into returning to you. I will never pity you enough to return to you, no matter the stories or pictures you paint. It will never happen. If I ever see you again, you’ll be invisible to me. You can’t stalk somebody and expect them to love you. This is not “You”, for Fucksake. Stalkers are not cool.

I know I’ll become your next story to tell, like you’d done with the last woman to me. This time though, I’ll become the crazy ex who claimed you were a stalker. The one who ignored your endless harassment so much that you threatened to end it, how horrible and evil she must be. That’s cool. It’s no skin off my back, but eventually your lies will eat away at you, and there’ll be no amount of editing or deleting you can do to fix that. They’ll all learn eventually, just like I did.

I’m not sure what story you’ve told them, but we both know that you’re a liar. You tried every attempt in the book to manipulate me into responding to you including suicidal threats alleged assault stories, knowing fine well that it would trigger me. It was me and my friend who called for a welfare check for you, not your friends (like you’d said in the message). You kicked off that I didn’t reply when you stated you’d been assaulted by somebody, how was it not obvious to you then that you were seeking a reaction? You tried to say that it was why you’d been harassing me, that you needed me; “your girl”?! You’d already been harassing me for weeks at that point, despite the alleged assault occurring a few days before that explanation. How did you not self reflect on that in any of your hundreds of messages? I did the only thing I could do, and call the police. You were threatening your life. It is not my responsibility to look after you, to reassure you. I didn’t even recognise you by then, I was watching the person you’d created become something scary before my eyes. The mask coming off very aggressively. Even the police told me not to respond. That it could fuel the stalking. I’m your victim, don’t you see? You’ve now somehow convinced yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong in all of these posts you make, whilst previously acknowledging in your messages that you know what you’re doing is wrong and that you wouldn’t be surprised if the police get involved. Then you receive one warning and you claim that’s harassment? Or could you not bear to admit to your family the extent of what you’ve been doing up in your room? That you’d made the past few months of my life as uncomfortable as you could in an attempt to “win me back”. I dread to think how you’d react if you were in my shoes if one message truly sent you over the edge. Imagine how I’m feeling, I dare you.

I didn’t hate you, you’re right. It wasn’t lack of love at first, no. I was burnt out, and something in me knew I couldn’t be with you, so I ended it and surprise surprise, the burnout reduced significantly when I didn’t have to explain my entire being to somebody. I didn’t have anybody getting shitty with me for not wanting to leave my FaceTime on whilst I slept. I didn’t have to worry about telling you who I was working with that day, because good heavens, what if they were the opposite gender, I might accidentally fall and give them a blowy or something. Jesus, you really didn’t know me. You let your insecurities dictate the way you treated and viewed me, never actually stopping to realise who I am. You’re gonna lose every loyal woman you meet due to your ridiculous insinuations. I realised post break up that it was limerence. Love doesn’t happen after 2 months. We were never in love, we met each other 12 times? The moment I knew it was for sure over was waking up to you looking through my phone, what did you expect to find? Even then, I asked what you were doing and turned back away, silently acknowledging the trust and faith I had in you was very much gone. I never hid my accounts from you, you knew my passwords, I never knew yours, I never bothered to remember them because I simply trusted who you were and what you were saying. Are you so desperate to become the victim in your own story that you have to manufacture? (shockingly you found nothing of interest to you on my phone). Even after we broke up, you booked a late train so I had to listen to you crying, begging, manipulating for 6 hours whilst I dissociated and pretended to sleep. It wasn’t my first rodeo with an emotional vampire, I knew I had to just mask and get through it. I understand that break ups are sad, but you chose to overstay your welcome in my home giving me no other choice than to let you stay for 6 hours. I drove you to the station so that you would get home safely because I had a feeling you would have stuck around in my city. I wished you well and yes I had said I hoped to see you again, I never claimed that I’d consider dating you again, but even EVEN if I did feel that way at that time, do you think after everything you’ve done since then, that it would still stand? You can’t base or justify your actions on things that occurred before the stalking and harassment, but you will, because that’s all you have. You can’t possibly see how you could have become the monster. You even said in a message to my family that you “hope someone is looking after her”. Are you deranged? Do you think you were the protector? I’ve had a whole ass life so far, and you weren’t even a highlight, never mind a protector. If you truly knew me, you’d know that I thrive on my own. Regardless, if I did need someone to “look after me”, you’d be the one who they’d protect me from, you absolute crank.

No, there was never anyone else, nor is there still. I allowed myself to become vulnerable with you, essentially a stranger, which was very foolish, but I won’t be making the same mistakes again. Whilst I can’t say I have any warm feelings towards you, I refuse you give you any more energy. You need to delve into yourself, be truly honest with your psychiatrists/whoever your speak to and not use your mental health (or lack of) as an excuse to tear apart somebody else’s mental health. Luckily (or not?), I’ve dealt with a lot worse so this is not going to trigger me into a hole I fought for years to climb out of. Not meaning to be derogatory, but you can’t get into my head, you’re not that successful with your tactics. Though for gods sake, don’t bloody end it. That’s not going to make anything or anyone feel any better, not to mention the pain it would cause your family. I’ve been there, albeit not as a tool for manipulation, but regardless of your feelings about yourself, your family don’t deserve that pain.

It would be nice for you to own up to the harassment and stalking before the police visit you, but I don’t need it. I know my reality, and you know yours. I’m an open book with a big fuck off folder of evidence and voicemails on a usb to speak for me when the time comes.

You could choose to acknowledge the pain and anxiety you’ve caused and learn or grow from it, or you can continue to seek external validation based on lies. You do you. The truth will come out.

If you, your friends or family retaliate further or message me, they’ll receive every message (including the ones you deleted), voicemail, letter you’ve sent me. I don’t mind the shit talking or the smear campaign, I’m a big girl, but if directly provoked, I’ll reveal all as to protect myself from any potential abuse that would be based on lies.

This is my fucking life, and you’ve tried to place yourself in it without my consent, whilst actively lying to those around you about what’s truly occurring. This is not endearing, this is scary. Your behaviour is scary. I just pray to whichever gods hear me that your next victim has their wits about them, because damn, you’re a good actor in the beginning, you even manage to convince yourself.