Day 4

I’m on day 4 and being tested hard. We had to put down my childhood cat yesterday who I got when I was 9, 20 years ago. I was also having a ton of work done on my apartment, which contractors left a mess and I had to deal with cleaning pretty extensively. I have friends in town who were just talking so poorly about my ex after I had just told them I was thinking about going to couples therapy to see if repair and a future relationship could be possible. For context, we had an incredibly loving and supportive relationship with no real issues aside from some minor incompatibilities so it felt like they were just kicking me while I was down by going in on him rather than trusting my judgement. I leave tonight for a 2 week trip and have been stressed getting everything packed, work completed, and my dog set up before my departure.

On top of this, I’ve been experiencing withdrawals, not getting much sleep, and feeling incredibly emotional and anxious. I don’t actually want to smoke. I do truly feel more committed to this attempt at sobriety than ever before, but wow does it sound nice to smoke a joint and be able to push everything aside for an evening. And even though I know I don’t want to, sometimes it’s hard to trust myself that I won’t give in and just smoke and not feel all that I’m feeling.

And btw - is severe dry mouth and thirst a withdrawal symptom anyone else has experienced? I’ve never had this symptom when trying to quit before but oh my god it feels like no amount of water will quench my thirst. My mouth is always dry.