Confused aff

I used to date a guy in 2024 for about a month, from May 31st to July 13th. He was my best friend, and I had an on-and-off crush on him for almost five years. It was “on and off” mainly because we weren’t together during those years. First there was lockdown, then he was in a hostel and later I was in one, so we barely got to meet for almost three years.

When I met him again in 2023, we became close all over again, and I started liking him again. But at that point, I was convinced that he would never like me back. There was also another girl who had a crush on him. She’s really pretty, and I genuinely thought they would be good together, so I decided to step back.

Except, he liked me. He eventually proposed to me, and I said yes.

Even then, I felt guilty about it. I knew she liked him, and she was going through a difficult time and was kind of in therapy, so I genuinely felt bad that I was dating someone she had feelings for. On top of that, going from being best friends to being in a relationship was surprisingly awkward. The first two weeks were filled with that awkward transition and my own guilt.

After that, things actually became really nice. For about two weeks, I was genuinely happy with him. Then my mom started getting suspicious about my phone usage, so I had to cut down on how much I used my phone. That made things difficult because we couldn't talk as much.

He started feeling ignored, and I wasn't able to reassure him properly. Looking back, I know I could have handled that better. It was my fault in that sense, but it wasn't because I didn't care about him. I come from a family where being caught using my phone when I'm supposed to be doing something else could become a pretty big deal. They could take my phone away, scold me, or make things much more serious, so I was genuinely scared of getting caught.

Eventually, he broke up with me.

I was really hurt, but then he asked me to get back together. And this is probably one of the things I regret the most. I rejected him. I told myself that “once an ex, always an ex,” partly because we had already exchanged a few hurtful words before that. At the time, I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing. Now I'm not so sure.

We stayed friends for a while, until his best friend came up to me and told me that I hadn't put in any effort. It was the first time I'd even met that guy, but hearing that made me feel like maybe I really had failed my ex in the relationship. So instead of trying to explain myself or talk things out with my ex, I stopped talking to him.

About six months later, I started dating someone else. That relationship ended because he cheated on me.

And now, almost two years after my first breakup, I'm still somehow thinking about my ex.

A different best friend recently proposed to me, but I don't think he actually likes me romantically, which makes that whole situation confusing in itself. At the same time, there's a guy in my class whom I find kind of cute. It's nothing serious, and I don't think I'm in love with him or anything. But it made me wonder about what exactly I'm feeling in general.

Because despite everything, I have this constant urge to text my first ex.

And I don't even know what I want from that text.

I don't know if I actually want him back. I don't know if I miss him romantically, or if I just miss my best friend. Maybe I miss the person I was with him. Maybe I still feel guilty about how things ended and want some kind of closure. Maybe part of me keeps wondering what would have happened if I had handled things differently when he asked me to get back together.

But then there's another part of me that thinks maybe texting him after almost two years would just disturb his life. Maybe he's moved on. Maybe he doesn't want to hear from me. And I don't want to reopen something that he has already moved past.

That's what I'm struggling with.

I can't tell whether this urge to reach out means I still have feelings for him, or whether I'm just carrying around an unfinished chapter because he was my best friend for so long and our relationship ended in such a messy way.