Mom committed suicide on my birthday

I’m coming up on the 4 year anniversary of my mom’s death. Can’t really view it as my birthday anymore. This month is always exceptionally difficult. Even after all this time. I still don’t know how to be happy. What she did has really stained me and how I view the world. I’m so desperate for any kind of relief but I still can’t find it. If her goal was to break me completely she achieved it. We never had the best relationship but to think that my own mom wanted to hurt me that bad makes me scared of people and of my future.