I need help/guidance

I’m not sure if I’m the asshole in my situation or if I’ve been mentally abused so much that I’m starting to think I’m the problem. I honestly don’t know anymore. Any help or guidance in my situation would be appreciated.
Buckle down people because I have A LOT of issues going on.
My boyfriend and I have been together for let’s say 7 years now. Before that we were on and off in a “situationship” since 2010. So we have a LOT of history.
Anyways we ended up moving in together. I have two daughters and he has three daughters. I had this thought in my head that we would be one big happy blended family.
Yeah…no.
I was the one doing everything. Cleaning, cooking, planning everything and making sure things were taken care of. Mind you I was also working full time, getting paid pretty good and paying for everything the house needed. All the essentials.
We would have fights or I guess I would tell him what was bothering me and somehow he would turn it around on me. I would tell him that I didn’t feel appreciated for all the things I was doing for him and the kids and he would tell me that he never asked me to do anything and that my kids weren’t his kids.
I’m the kind of person who loves a clean house. I like everyone to be happy and if you’re happy I’m happy. At least that’s how it looks on the outside.
But to me, him coming home to a clean house, food made, his kids having what they needed and everything being taken care of was me doing things for him and for our family.
He doesn’t see it that way. He says I assume too much.
Eventually we broke up for about six months. We went our separate ways and lived our own lives. Somehow we ended up finding our way back to each other and living together again.
He moved into my apartment and he isn’t on my lease.
Before he moved in, I had lost my good paying job. We talked about my situation and I told him what was going on financially. He told me he would help me with the rent by paying MORE so I could find a less stressful job and get back on my feet.
We discussed it. I know we did.
But that isn’t actually what happened.
He only pays half of the rent. He didn’t start paying more like we talked about. He does pay my car insurance, and I do appreciate that, but during our fights he constantly throws it in my face that he pays my car insurance.
Our fights now are a lot of him telling me that he only moved in because I asked him to so he could help me financially.
But I didn’t just randomly ask him to move in and expect him to support me. We talked about my situation before he moved in. We talked about him helping me financially while I found another job.
Now things are really tight for me.
And the crazy part is that I’m STILL doing everything.
I’m still cleaning the house.
I’m still cooking.
I’m still buying things the house needs.
I’m still making sure things are taken care of.
I’m still doing the things I was doing before.
But financially I am struggling.
I have NEVER been the person who pays my bills late. That has always been something that was extremely important to me. I pay my bills. I make sure my rent is paid. I make sure my kids have what they need.
But now I’m paying my bills late.
I’m struggling to pay rent.
I’m worrying about having enough gas money.
I can’t do extra things for my kids because I don’t have the money.
I’m literally having to think about every dollar I spend.
And then I look at him and he’s buying new game systems, new guitars and even a dog.
Meanwhile I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my bills and make sure my kids have what they need.
And food is another issue.
He doesn’t pay for food because he says he “buys his own food” and that I “never get what he wants.”
Okay, I understand that people like different foods. But I’m still buying food for myself and my kids and buying things for the house.
And somehow he still eats my food from time to time.
So I’m sitting here thinking…how does that work?
If we live together and are supposed to be partners, why is everything separated when it benefits him but shared when it doesn’t?
I’m not saying he has to buy everything. I’m not saying he isn’t allowed to buy himself things. And I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the fact that he pays my car insurance.
I do.
But I also don’t think it’s fair that he gets to throw that in my face every time we argue while everything I do for the household seems to just be expected.
That is where a lot of my resentment comes from.
It’s not that I don’t want him to have nice things.
It’s that I’m struggling to pay rent and buy gas while he is spending money on things he wants.
I’m struggling to do anything extra for my kids while he is buying new game systems, guitars and a dog.
And I’m still cleaning, cooking and buying things for the house.
It feels like we are living two completely different lives while living under the same roof.
And honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even talk when I’m mad anymore.
I shut down.
I keep things to myself because every time I try to talk about something that is bothering me, it somehow gets turned around on me. Somehow I end up being blamed for the argument or being told that I’m the one causing the problem.
And then I feel even worse.
So instead of talking, I just stay quiet.
I don’t think that’s healthy, but I honestly don’t know what else to do anymore. I feel like if I speak up, I’m going to get blamed. If I stay quiet, I’m miserable inside.
And that has really messed with my head.
I question myself all the time now.
Maybe I am the problem.
Maybe I’m asking for too much.
Maybe I shouldn’t be upset.
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.
I don’t know anymore.
And the hardest part is that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do from here.
I can’t afford to live on my own right now. I have kids. Rent is expensive. I’m already struggling to pay the bills I have now.
So it’s not as simple as “just leave.”
I wish it was.
I feel stuck because financially I don’t feel like I have the ability to just walk out and get my own place tomorrow.
And that scares me.
I feel like I’m trying to keep my family together, keep a roof over our heads, keep working, keep the house clean, keep everyone fed and take care of my kids while also trying to figure out what the hell happened to me.
Because I used to be someone who could handle everything.
Now I’m questioning myself constantly.
I love this man. We have history. We have been through a lot together. I wanted us to have a happy blended family. I wanted a happy home. I wanted us to work.
But I’m starting to wonder if I’ve spent so much time trying to make everything work that I forgot to ask myself if this relationship is actually working for me too.
I don’t want people to automatically tell me I’m right. If I’m wrong, tell me. If I’m being unreasonable, tell me.
I just need someone outside of this situation to tell me if I’m actually the asshole or if I’ve been made to feel like I am for so long that I don’t even trust my own feelings anymore.
So Reddit…
HELP! What would you do!