Pornography is messing my head

Hi everyone,

This is the first time in a long time that I've decided to ask for help on Reddit. I'm not very familiar with how everything works here, but I've heard that people can give some really helpful advice, so I thought I'd give it a try.

I got exposed to pornography when I was around 14 or 15 through my sibling's laptop. Most of the videos were between men. At the time, I didn't even understand what I was watching or why they were doing it, and honestly, I didn't even like it. I already knew that sexual content between a man and a woman was considered something inappropriate, but nobody had ever talked to me about two men.

As I got older and had more access to the internet, I discovered things like VPNs, and eventually watching porn became a habit before going to sleep. I'm 22 now, and unfortunately, that habit is still with me. I've managed to quit several times, but it feels like the main thing that keeps pulling me back is the habit itself.

I'm also not completely sure about my sexual orientation. In fantasies, being with another man can sometimes seem appealing, but in reality, I'm not very attracted to it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not attracted to anyone at all, while other times I feel attracted to women. I also don't really have much money or financial stability for a relationship anyway.

There is another part of my past that still affects me. When I was around 17 or 18, my father accidentally approached me in his sleep. I couldn't move or didn't want to move, but somehow I managed to get up and go to another room. It was around 4 a.m., and I barely slept before leaving for school at 7.

The only person I was able to tell was my sister, and she completely believed me. Eventually, my mother found out too, although telling her was much harder. She saw it as an opportunity to use the situation to try to file for divorce from my father. A social worker also came to talk to me. I remember her repeatedly encouraging me to tell her how much my mother had suffered, but at the end of the conversation, she asked me something that completely froze me: "Do you know how your mother feels? I came here to find out how you feel."

I remember having so many emotions at once that I couldn't even speak. I didn't know whether what I was feeling was hatred, anger, or something else.

Years passed, and from the outside, my life seemed fairly normal. The fact that my parents never divorced was still difficult for me, but eventually things became mostly okay—except for my nightly masturbation and porn habit.

Then I found out that one of my friends, who was a guy, had feelings for me. I knew he was gay, but I had told him that I wasn't interested in men. Even so, he kept asking me to give him a chance and saying things that made me uncomfortable. He even sent me 18+ posts. Eventually, after about a year, I cut contact with him because I couldn't handle it anymore.

I still feel guilty about ending that friendship because we were genuinely friends and had a lot of shared interests, like animation, music, and other things.

Lately, all of these things have been bothering me a lot. I'm not sure what I should do anymore.

Has anyone been through something similar, or does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with these issues?

Sorry if I don't reply immediately. I'm doing this secretly and can't keep checking Reddit all the time.

I hope none of you ever have to go through these kinds of things.

Take care, everyone.