Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting my mom to die also trigger warning

I'm 35 daughter of a narcissist. I never told anyone about the abuse because I feel so ashamed, so I'm gonna vent here and hopefully that's ok. My mom was psychically abusive but honestly that's not even what bothers me the most. It's the way she would walk around naked, the way she would make me feel ashamed for wanting to be in the dressing rooms alone like acted genuinely hurt the way she accused me of wanting to sleep with my therapist at 15 (who was a woman) because of how I would dress before sessions the way she shamed me for my developing body and called me a whore and a slut when I was a virgin just starting to develop crushes. The constant guilt I would feel if I decided to go out with friends instead of staying home with her the texts I would get and my friends just being like that's so weird and I'm just like haha yeah as a guilt and shame rush over me. I mostly feel sorry for her these days. Looking back she never had friends or partners just her children and of course it's my fault my dad left. I can't understand why someone would choose to live how she lives and abuse the way she abused her children but sometimes I feel like when I'm laying in bed at night and if my partner asked what's on your mind and I were to respond honestly "oh just fantasizing the death of my mother and how happy Ill be when she's gone forever" they would look at me completely different and I'm wondering if any of you do that? It's not like every night but probably at least once a week. I just truly hate her and being her child is embarrassing. Like the amount of idk the words I'm looking for like the situations I attracted because of her abuse like being in abusive relationships and even being victimized as a child by predators. I know logically she is not in control of other peoples actions but I'm wise enough to know that her abuse made me an easy target especially when I was younger my first 3 adult relationships 18-32 were just her in disguise I feel so annoyed thinking about it and again just can't wait until she dies.