I hate to even admit that this is my favourite part about parenting...

When he's asleep.

When I'm away from him doing my own thing

Wake up, engine starts, nap time I need to work, wake window again then unending nighttime sleep battle for 3 hours from 7pm and madness where I feel like pulling my hair out.

- I love when he's asleep, that feels like the biggest dopamine rush I've ever gotten in my life. No disturbance, just quiet, dim light and me sitting. He's so stubborn and irritatingly cranky at night that I feel like running away from the house. My friends who are getting pregnant I feel like laughing and saying welcome to the never ending stress, anxiety, overthinking, no rest life. Which i don't think is ever going to go away. Going out with my son is even a bigger nightmare, he will just not sit quietly for 1 second. Needs constant entertainment. Neede constant distractions. My heart is constantly pounding in stress all day.

Wish I could turn back time. I hate that I love my son so I can't imagine a life without him, but this never-ending test of patience is destroying my sanity. I'm less productive at work, don't feel like exercising, just feel like sitting and watching brainrot on shorts or playing some video games or just staring blank.

And he's just 15 months, oh shit dude. Wish me luck.