Finally got my autism diagnosis this morning.

Here’s my string of thoughts through this morning before and after my diagnosis.

Years ago I started this journey by learning about high-masking and less support-needed autism. I wondered daily if that was me. Months ago I found out I could get diagnosed for free and signed up. Then I got scared thinking I was an imposter and didn’t go through with setting up an appointment. Finally I went through the questions for hours and then the evaluation.

Right now I’m waiting for my appointment to go over the results and crying. I can’t help but cry right now. I have so much anxiety over nothing yet. I’m crying cause I feel relieved I finally am going through it. I’m crying because if I get the diagnosis it explains so much of my whole life and how I am. If I don’t get it then it opens up other doors I need to go through. Like personality disorders. Is my depression that crippling since I was a young child? I don’t know.

There’s just a lot up in the air that I don’t know yet. I’m just waiting to find out. 7 minutes. I’ve finally stopped crying now that I wrote down my feelings but I’m still bouncing and shaking in nervousness. My emotions are too all over the place. I should have called out of work. I should have taken the day off. Or maybe the routine of work will help? I don’t know but here I am.

5 minutes I’m taking deep breaths trying to calm down. I’m reminding myself I can do it. I’ve been through worse and no matter what I get an answer to a question I’ve been wondering. Which is also what my therapist told me. Why are the minutes so long? I feel like I am waiting forever. I know I’m not. The way I went about this was faster than most people get, which is a blessing. I don’t think I could wait for months and months. Even though I’ve basically waited years (possibly my whole life) for this.

One minute to go. I will be back afterwards.

Well. I got my autism diagnosis. I’m really autistic. Which explains so much and is a relief but also I’m so angry that I had to go through life the way that I am without help and having to create a mask. I just wish I had the diagnosis as a child. That I could get help. I’m frustrated and upset and happy and now I have to go to work. Ugh.

And ultimately I’m stuck with the feeling now what?