just letting some thoughts out

so i’m currently riding home from vacation. i realized why i hate car rides so much. so here’s a bit about my story. *TRIGGER WARNING, do not continue if you’re uncomfortable with SA and abuse topics* i was sexually assaulted, raped, and all the way around abused by my at the time long distance boyfriend. i was hit, screamed at, exploited, oh lord the list goes on. the car we are riding in, i have memories in the car of him doing things to me. granted, at the time some was consensual, but the lead up to it was.. disturbing. i wanna move out of my house so i can stop hallucinating the memories of him raping me, forcing himself on me to dry fuck me to get himself off, it’s been half a decade, i literally should be fine by now.

i have chronic PTSD as well as depersonalization-derealization disorder, and the memories and flashbacks always stay in my mind, but i always think a bit harder when im riding home. i blast music into my ears just to not hear me yelling, or the forceful moaning i would do to show i was still into it. i have forgiven him, ive tried to move on, i dont know whats keeping me from it. i even have a loving boyfriend ive been with for 3 years who somehow puts up with my shit. i have a therapist, yes, and talking helps, but i think also going back more would help (i plan on going biweekly now instead of once a month). i hate holidays, i hate certain music, i hate certain games, even ones i haven’t played. it’s been five years, and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. i’m even worried about going back to my hometown even though i love it because im scared ill run into him somehow. (i remember his address, i have photographic memory). i’d just like to talk to someone…someone who wouldn’t mind me and possibly understand me so i dont feel so trapped in this cage.