I’ve just started the catechumenate and I already feel like I don’t belong

I’ve been attending a parish for a few months, and I recently decided to enroll in the catechumenate. I made this decision because I had some prayers answered, and I had promised that, in return, I would follow the official path of Christianity.

Yesterday was my first meeting, and honestly, I’ve been feeling really conflicted ever since.

I felt extremely uncomfortable during the meeting. I’m very shy and have quite a lot of social anxiety, and I didn’t know anyone there. Some people were very kind and came to talk to me, which I really appreciated, but I still felt very out of place.

The fact that we have classes once a week also makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me of school, which was a very negative experience for me. And apparently we’re also required to join a “fraternity” (a small group where you regularly meet other people), which honestly makes me very anxious. The idea of having to constantly meet new people is pretty overwhelming for me.

There’s also another, much more complicated issue. My father is Muslim, and I have to hide my journey from him because I’m afraid he could react violently if he found out. Whenever I see him, I can’t help feeling this strange sense of guilt, almost as if I’m betraying him. And yet, I’ve never actually believed in Islam, so I don’t really understand why I feel this way.

Overall, I just have this strange feeling that I don’t belong. I really hope it’s simply because everything is new and that this feeling will disappear once I get more comfortable and actually start the journey properly.

But I’m also scared that this feeling will persist and that I’ll eventually decide to quit.

Has anyone else felt this way when they first started the catechumenate? Did you also feel like you didn’t belong at first? And if so, did that feeling eventually go away?