[TM24] How should I view relationships and dating?

Hello!
I’ve never posted on Reddit so let me know if I’m on the wrong sub but I’ve been fighting with myself and a friend on this topic for a while.

I’m TM/24 and my friend is F/26. I’ve kinda dated but I guess not really I’ve been focused on trying to make something of myself. I go to school I work I have too many hobbies. Dating is a nice thought but the searching or numbers game really sounds so draining. I also don’t bother because (and I know it’s probably in my head) I feel most people wouldn’t want to do the do with a trans man. I’ve accepted it and the handful of people that have been interested were respectful in telling me they’re not into a trans man. (I guess I should mention I pass and am not a big fan of telling the world about what’s in my pants) So I just don’t date. My friend tho after 6years of marriage broke up (reasonable separation) and 3 months later got with an old friend of ours. From my perspective it looked like she either picked the first available guy closest to her the second she left her relationship. Or it was that he saw her vulnerable and took advantage. Safe to say it made me feel a way but I did my best to be supportive till it was too much. She wouldn’t spend a day away from this guy. We had a fight cuz I was like I want to spend time with my friend NOT THIS GUY 🫩 the pda the constant “can he come” was so annoying to me. We’re good again and she has hung out with me without him and I’ve been inviting him more and being more respectful. More important context sorry this is long. My sister got with this boy and they are the biggest pda people I know omg. I’m talking to my sister he’s touching her somewhere. I was talking to her and she was sitting down and from behind he was touching her belly (she’s skinny so kinda moulding the dough of her stomach?) I literally had to stop the conversation cuz what am I looking at. He’s also always touching her leg and sleeping over and when they sleep over they’re all on top of each other. They say they haven’t done anything sexual yet (they’re 20) but I’m like holy moly guys it’s a bit much. In her response she says “ugh you really need a girlfriend.”

And now yesterday, I was with my friend and I felt like I cracked the case. I journal and feel like I don’t experience love or view it the same as other people. I said I feel like people have a constant unconscious scanner going off everyday evaluating everyone the person meets to see if they’re a possible mate. Then if the scanner sees a possibility it sends a little thought of something. Then as you consciously now see it you evaluate further and that causes the crush and then the dating and blah blah. To me that makes sense and that would be why I don’t get it cuz I don’t get the scanner notifications… (I hope I don’t sound insane) I said this to her to see if it resonates but I was met with… “You need a girlfriend” 🧍

My friend says when I get a girlfriend I’ll understand. Maybe the thought of losing my independence scares me? Something I’m not seeing that I do? A pattern? She says just get a girlfriend and I’m like I’ve dated but she says I don’t do it right and I’m stopping it too soon. But if I have no attraction then why pursue. Why put energy into something I don’t believe in. I just keep them as a friend. but she says it’s my commitment issues finding reasons to leave (they’re darn good reason if I’d say so)

I crave that closeness tho. In theory I’m open to sacrificing my space for a new experience. I could grow to enjoy the company I think because adjustments would need to be made in my life. When I find people tho I think about our future. From what she’s saying it sounds like I should just date anyone of my single friends for the fact that they’re single and she said why not. Why would I tarnish a relationship for a desperate attempt at romance I don’t understand. We brought up my closest single friend who is an introvert. Totally fine but I like the beach skating I like the club and dancing. She wouldn’t like that so that’s not something I’d want her to have to change for me. Then my friend said that- well didn’t say it but implied it’s selfish. I think I took it as her saying I’m selfish but it’s a give and take I just don’t want to have to be like I am extroverted and sometimes like my space and even tho you aren’t like me we have to figure out a way to make it work because there’s nobody else. I need someone to match my energy and if you don’t you don’t but she says I’m just finding a reason to leave. What if I am and I don’t see it. Sometimes I see my cons outweighing the pros of me as a partner. My transness my adhd my problems my dialectical side. What if I subconsciously spare them the hassle of dealing with my issues. Maybe it’s just not for me but I do still wish I had someone who was that close to me. But the only way to understand is if I grab anybody with a pulse and try to make something work despite lack of feelings so I could then say I did it aaaand then what. Something would just click in my head? Is it truly that simple? Maybe it is actually normal to push through the numbness? Like I don’t see a future or even have feelings for you but you’re single so let’s date? It could be what I’m missing but again it seems so draining. I like talking to people but if I’m uninterested I’m leaving. Life is too short. But I could be missing out on something I don’t understand.

I just want to know how to view this relationship thing I think I’m doing something wrong and I can’t tell what it is.

Thanks for reading