Advice Welcome

About nine months ago, my therapist out of the blue suggested I consider increasing frequency from 2x weekly to 3x. I was really surprised that she said it, and I think she was really surprised too, because she then hastily added that she didn’t have an available slot atm, like the suggestion had slipped out without thinking about it fully. The next week I told her I had thought about it and if a slot ever did become available, I was interested.

About three months ago, I tried to bring it up again because I thought it likely she wouldn’t remember us having had that conversation. I struggled enormously to ask about it. Like, it was comically difficult. She did remember and agreed we had left the ball in her court, but stayed silent as to whether she has availability, or even as to whether she would let me know if/when she does. She said something very cryptic about “fighting for what you want” that I think was probably meant as like, don’t let The Other dictate your desire or some other analytic wisdom. I was so confused and flustered I dropped the subject and am terrified to bring it up again. I also struggle in general with remembering conversations that are emotionally fraught for me, so it’s possible I really misunderstood.

Obviously it’s not actually about the third session, but it’s all left me feeling very confused about what’s going on and where to go from here. I’ve felt in the past like we had a really strong working alliance, but over the past 9 months I’ve been struggling more and more to speak in sessions - I can’t shake a paranoia that she’s hoping to wind down and terminate, or that I’m not suitable for analysis.

I know this is the work itself and I should bring this all into sessions, it’s just so hard. I feel like I’ve invested so much into therapy over the past couple years that it feels like such a high stakes relationship.